Utter Lack of Cleverness

Why I shouldn't watch TV, exhibit 342

2007-02-20T20:00:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else seen ads for the movie "The Astronaut Farmer"? Doesn't the title alone piss you off beyond all comprehension?
I mean, if naming films is an art, whoever named this one is the guy who paints those precious scenes for local motels. I mean, could you be less imaginative in naming a movie? Hell, even old B-movies had more class than this - back in the day, if they had a movie about giant ants, they didn't call it "Giant Ants," they called it "Them!"
And don't you wish we lived in a world where, if someone went into a film producer's office and pitched a movie called "The Astronaut Farmer," he'd get his ass kicked?
Remember a while back, when I said "The Good Shepard" was quite possibly the worst film title ever? Well, looks like we have a new winner. Have fun in space, Billy Bob!
By the way, I'm just going to go ahead and give the "Halle Berry's career memorial award" (awarded each year to the actor or actress who goes from winning/being nominated for an Oscar to doing complete crap) to Virginia Madsen. Congratulations, Virginia! You went from the critically-popular-yet-highly-overrated "Sideways" to utter drek like "Firewall" and "The Astronaut Farmer." Old Halle "Catwoman" Berry couldn't have done better herself.
(pic courtesy of imdb.com)

Archival material re: Valentine's Day

2007-02-17T23:27:00.000-08:00

Last year, I posted a spoof of "A Modest Proposal" regarding Valentine's Day. Seeing as I'm still single (and still bitter about it), I've decided to re-post it.

It is a melancholy object to those who wander drunkenly through the streets of our fair country on February 14th, to see the ravaging effects that Valentine's Day inflicts on the general populace. It enrichens greeting card companies and the candy-industry barons, while depleting the vital beer-money stores of people across the nation.
This problem is only likely to get worse: increasing expectations yield ever-higher standards for giving, an unsustainable arms race of Valentining. This problem is especially hard-felt in the poorer segments of the population, those who can least afford it.
I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
We may find the salvation of this holiday from another saint: Saint Patrick. His holiday engenders naught but the highest praise; it is a beacon to which all lesser holidays flock.
I therefore propose we eliminate Valentine's Day, and replace it with Saint Patrick's Day, thus splitting Saint Patrick's day in twain (like Kill Bill, but without Uma Thurman killing everyone).
I believe the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
First, I believe this would restore the beer money of the nation to its rightful purpose: the procurement of alcohol.
Secondly, this would not take away from the primary benefit of Valentine's Day: the expression of love (or lust, at least). On the contrary, it is often that alcohol prompts the highest proclamations of love (including the "I love you guys" pledge, the screaming of one's name from outside of their apartment, and other such acts of devotion).
Thirdly, the act of gift-giving would be improved tenfold: alcoholic beverages are the best gift of all.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country. I have no brewery by which to hope to profit from this proposal, and my own beer stores are pitifully low.
The End
(PS: It's a wonder I'm still single.)
(PPS: Uma Thurman killing people would make a terrific holiday.)

Jesus, it's been a long time

2007-02-17T22:13:00.000-08:00

Seeing as I haven't updated in about four months, I figured it might be time to do so again.
For some reason, I can't stop watching Scrubs. I never really got into the show over the years, because it was either on at the same time as something else, or the fact that I avoid NBC whenever possible.
However, since the series has been syndicated, it's been on like 12 times a day. Seriously, I set my DVR to record episodes and, were it not for some judicious deleting by yours truly, I'd have filled that thing like five times over.
Thing is, it's probably the most manic-depressive sitcom ever made - it's like the creators of the show want you to wish for suicide between the laughs. Every episode, they have at least one montage designed to make you say "man, that sucks." Were it not for John C. McGinley's insane rants (really quite impressive, they are), the whole production would be more depressing than a clown's funeral.
(By the way, the actress who plays Elliot Reed deserves a place in the "All-time really damn cute sitcom girl hall of fame." That's my opinion, at least.)

From the archives: Nutrition conference snarkiness

2006-11-26T21:18:00.000-08:00

(Introduction: When I was a college student, I went to cover a health conference for a journalism class. The conference was (to me, at least) utterly ridiculous. I wrote the original story you saw here, looked at it, realized my professor would fail me if I handed it in, and wrote a wussy version instead. As I'm short of blog material, here it is for your amusement!)

It is a conference room like any other, devoid of significant distinguishing features. The chairs at the circular tables that populate the room are arranged so that they face the front of the room. The stage is appointed with chairs for an expert panel, a podium and a large projection screen.
It is in this room that the Third Annual Nutrition and Health Public Forum is being held.
The panel, hosted by the Program of Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona and Columbia University’s Richard and Hinda Rosenthal Program for Complementary and Alternative Medicine, is aimed to solve the question, once and for all, what good food is. The panel was composed of Dr. Andrew Weil, Dr. Marion Nestle, organic chef Dan Baber and Dr. Joan Gussow.
First to speak was Nestle, who, it must be noted, has a hilariously inappropriate name for a nutrition specialist. Dr. Nestle is the Paulette Goddard Professor in the Department of Nutrition, Food Studies, and Public Health, and, predictably, took an ill view of processed foods.
“When you choose foods, you’re voting with your fork,” said Nestle. Senior citizens in Florida appear to have problems with that voting mechanism, too. “We live in an environment that is conducive to eating unhealthily.”
She recommends eating less, moving more, eating more fruits and vegetables and not eating too much junk food. All of which places her at about the level of the moms of America when it comes to nutritional expertise. She also states that one should never buy food from the center aisles of a supermarket, nor should one buy a product with more than five ingredients, with unpronounceable ingredients, or comes in a box. Coincidentally, her book, “What to Eat,” happened to be coming out that week.
Next up was Dan Barber, who is an executive chef at Blue Hill and serves on Harvard Medical School’s Center for Health and the Global Environment. Barber does not have much to say, really, besides providing an anecdote about almond carrots.
“The ultimate nutrition secret is that there is no secret,” said Barber. He failed to mention why, if there are no secrets, the audience needed three professors and a chef to tell it what’s healthy. He did say that, when it comes to organic eating, “elitism is a big issue.” When asked about the price of organic foods, he made note of the price of cable, which is now in most American households, and said “it’s a matter of priorities.” You should, presumably, make it your priority to eat food that tastes like dirt, was grown by hippies and costs four dollars more than the less rotten version on your supermarket shelves.
Dr. Joan Gussow of Columbia University spoke next. She believes that getting food from distant locations is one of the primary drivers of global warming, because shipping companies use a great deal of fossil fuels. This proves, once and for all, there is no subject on earth that cannot be more obnoxious by mentioning "global warming."
“What we eat has more effect on climate change than any other factor,” she said. “Only radical solutions can save us.”
So what is Gussow’s solution? Food supplies should be localized. She’s a strong proponent of growing one’s own food. This is good, as most Americans have been pining for the return of agrarianism. After all, who doesn’t miss the days of backbreaking labor and low life expectancy?
The final speaker is Dr.Andrew Weil, director of the program of Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona’s College of Medicine. Weil spoke about the relatively new field of nutritional medicine. The field, he says, has two main thrusts: optimal eating, and dietary change to prevent disease. He claims that, because of the relative health of New Yorkers, residents of the city have a “warped view” of nutrition, and that the rest of the country is in poorer shape.
Weil also had some harsh words for the fast food companies.
“When American fast food goes to foreign cultures, it becomes instantly popular, despite the presence of good food,” Weil said. “There is an analogy with the tobacco companies.”
(The analogy? "Tobacco is to hideously overblown health nut cause as fast food is to, well, hideously overblown health nut cause.)
While it is impossible to say if the conference made any effect on society in general, it made a profound effect on me. I immediately went to the nearest McDonalds franchise, and ordered the biggest damn burger I could find.

Apparently, MSN is a lot more interesting over there

2006-11-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

So, I was browsing through my Statcounter stats (because I honestly have nothing better to do), and I saw that a full 9 people have reached my blog while searching Google for "msn bitches" (they got sent here, in case you're curious). I was, as you see, using the word "bitches" as a synonym for "complains," but apparently, people were searching for MSN-themed pornography. Who, exactly, finds MSN hot enough to fantasize about is beyond me, but I've been getting them left and right.
It gets weirder: all of the people who searched for this are from Europe.
This leaves only three possibilities:

Microsoft is synonymous with "sexy" in Europe.
MSN means something completely, completely different over there.
My European fanbase is bigger than I care to admit.

Some people may accuse me of using the phrase "msn bitches" again simply to draw more hits, but veteran bloggers know there is only one thing you can mention to draw in hits like no other: Campusfood.com
P.S.: Campusfood, Campusfood, Campusfood, Campusfood, Campusfood, Campusfood, Campusfood, Campusfood.

Episode LXXVI: Mike buys Final Fantasy XII

2006-11-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this by saying I dislike the Final Fantasy series. In fact, for a time, I damn near despised it. The turn-based battles always seemed like the height of absurdity to me, the plots were melodramatic and slow-moving and the lead was always some androgynous male (look at Tidus from Final Fantasy X and tell me that's not the chick from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place). FFX was, to me, the ultimate low point - I hated the protagonist, I hated the love interest (worst. voice-overs. ever) and *spoiler* it turned out the guy you were playing was the dream of a dead civilization (good lord, is that god damned stupid).
That said, I kinda like XII. The story makes sense (so far - I am waiting for that moment when it turns out everything's caused by space cows or something). The combat has changed, ending those "dear-god-kill-me-with-a-spork" random battles. Sure, the main character looks like a woman, but he seems to be less of an asshat than the previous protagonists (say "previous protagonists" three times fast...you'll sound like an idiot).
That said, I'm still pretty sure I'll get to that point where I get pissed off at it. Games where you level up always start to seem like work. I know I'll get to that one boss I can't beat unless I pick a fight with 700 more spider/rat/wolf things, and I'll quit. Doing that just totally kills any narrative drive.
P.S. Is it asking too much of a Final Fantasy protagonist to wear a complete goddamn shirt for once?

Long-awaited sequel to "Oh God, it's another video game post!"

2006-10-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

More than a week ago, I promised to finish a feature comparing sports fandoms to videogame fandoms (yes, possibly the nerdiest premise ever). This took me so damn long because I couldn't think of a fanbase to compare Nintendo fans to.
I'm just going to go with my first instinct here and say Nintendo fans are Cubs fans. Both are past-obsessed (NES; Wrigley Field). Both always seem poised for success before the season (console generation), but find some way to muck it up (though Nintendo's been bucking that trend recently). But despite their losses, both are totally ingrained in the hearts of their fans. These fans are obsessive, as opposed to some Yankee fans (keeping with the metaphor, Playstation fans) who merely like the team because of its recent prominence.
Now, as to why those people who buy all consoles are pantywaists: imagine console gaming as betting. The goal is to find the contestant with the best chance of winning (providing fun games). A person who successfully chooses a winner receives the most for the least cost, and enjoys the added bonus of feeling prescient. People who bet on all sides also receive the maximum benefit, but expend the most. They have announced their failure to pick the winner and, indeed, a failure to even attempt to do so.
In short, people who buy all the consoles deserve to be treated with the same disdain as those who bet on both sides of a prizefight.

A few random thoughts that occurred to me while watching "The Departed"

2006-10-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

Previews:

Man, that "300" movie looks good. Finally, a movie that combines Spartans, yelling, insane CGI and Frank Miller in one shiny package.
I'm watching an ad for an "American Pie" spinoff in a theater crammed with old folks. Imagine watching "American Pie" with your grandparents. Now, multiply that by about 100, and that's what I was going through. By the way, who decided "American Pie" was worthy of two sequels, and (thus far) two spinoffs? I mean, the original was ok, not classic. The series has been on a downhill slope since then. Why make more?
"The Good Shepard" - has like 200 Oscar winners in it, and the worst title in recorded history. Did you guess that the movie's about the founding of the CIA? Yeah, me neither. They could have called it "Pancake Assassins," and it would have made as much sense.

Movie itself:

Holy crap, Jack Nicholson totally redeemed himself (Note - I had originally written "found his balls again after the travesty that was 'Something's Gotta Give,' but removed it for fear Nicholson would kick my ass. That's how good he is in this movie).
Ha! I've totally been there! (Thought this about 20 times during movie. Seriously, seems like movie is one big Boston in-joke)
Martin Scorcese keeps trying to sell me on the idea that Leonardo DiCaprio can play an Irishman/Irish descendant. Still not convinced.
Jesus, Damon's laying that "Bahston" accent on thick. I know that's the character, but it was noticeably irritating; his accent seemed overly exaggerated throughout. He's not the only culprit, but the most egregious.
Wahlburg's awesome in this movie. I think this is the first role of his I liked.
Movie is seriously funny (like that's not an oxymoron). This movie is funnier than at least 10 recent comedies I can name off the top of my head (hint: "Little Man" is tops on that list).

In conclusion, go see the damn movie.

Oh God, it's another video game post!

2006-10-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, Gamepro called the next-gen console race in favor of the Playstation 3. Nowadays, though, seeking Gamepro's advice about videogames is a bit like asking Kevin Federline about the electoral college - you're not likely to receive a comprehensible answer.
Why bring it up, you ask? Because it serves as a flimsy pretext to rant about the new consoles. Tonight, I'll be answering that most ineffable of questions: why are PS3 fans so damn annoying?
You may have seen these folks on the internet, typing out grammatical-error-laced tomes about how the Blu-Ray drive is the greatest thing since sliced bread, how Sony invented videogames and how $600 is not a lot of money. You may ask yourself: how can these people be so damn irritating?
I'll tell you why. It's because Playstation advocates are Yankee fans.
Not literally, of course, but metaphorically.
Think about it: a fanbase that obnoxiously starts listing recent successes whenever criticized (Playstation fans list their two successive dominant systems as proof of infallibility; Yankees fans list their World Series wins). The fans are both advocating very expensive products (Playstation 3: $600; Is there still a number as high as the Yankee payroll?). Both believe past successes have made them utterly incapable of losing. And both are led by a executive who might be insane (PS3: Riiiiiidge Raaacer!; Yankees: Steinbrenner).
Xbox fans seem like Red Sox fans: we bitch about the Yankees payroll, but we fail to notice how ours is second-highest. Indeed, this team (console) has a very "second place" feel to it. The team is good, and the console has good games, but it needs a lot of luck (and something cancelling out the PS3) to win it all.
Tomorrow: the thrilling conclusion, and why those who fail to choose a side are pantywaists.

I'm back, baby!

2006-10-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

And you thought disappearing for two months and moving to another state would deter your least-favorite blogger.
Got a new job (at a small Vermont paper), new digs and the same old mental defects.
Today, I'm going to hate on Madden '07 for the Xbox 360. I know I had previously criticized some for complaining about having both a Xbox 360 and Madden to play on it, and I can only say mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
Everything about the game just feels so cumbersome, though it's hard to explain why - cumbersome is the word that pops into my head whenever I play through it. Navigating through the menus feels like using a jackhammer to do open-heart surgery.
The tragedy about Madden is that it's not necessarily a bad game. You can still have a hell of a lot of fun playing through the game. It's just that Madden has hit it's "superstar" period, where it realizes that it can phone in performances for the rest of it's life and people will buy it up like candy. Just like George Lucas.
The game has become like eating Lucky Charms just for the marshmallows, especially if you dislike the regular pieces. You know you like the marshmallows, but the regular pieces temper your enjoyment. Every bite of marshmallow is mixed with something distasteful.
And can I call for the end of the challenge system in Madden? Quite frankly, I always thought it was a bad idea. Since the computer creates the universe in which the game is played, it has an intimate knowledge of it: it knows when a player is in-bounds, out-of-bounds, is down or has fumbled. In order for the challenge system to work, the programmers had to have the computer make calls it knows is wrong in order for the player to have any successful challenges.
Think about that for a minute.
In other words, the Madden system wasn't created to change wrong calls, wrong calls were added to make the system work.
If that isn't the definition of idiocy, I don't know what is. And it serves as a perfect example of the dysfunction that infests Madden today.

A strange interlude with a phantom

2006-08-25T09:17:00.000-07:00

I had a strange experience while driving the other day - while going home, I passed a "Phantom Gourmet" truck.
For those of you not from the Boston area, the Phantom Gourmet is a restaurant critic. The brand has expanded to include radio bits and a TV show. However, the "Phantom" in the fellow's name implies he wishes to keep his identity secret. In fact, here's an excerpt from the Phantom Gourmet website:

The Phantom Gourmet is an anonymous restaurant critic who dines in disguise, never revealing his identity and always paying his own bills. That way, he serves up the most honest and trustworthy restaurant reviews possible. Other recognizable critics frequently get special food and service. Phantom forgoes these perks so that his restaurant experience will be similar to yours.

We are to assume, I guess, that driving around in a truck marked "The Phantom Gourmet" doesn't affect his anonymity. I wonder if he doesn't also wear a sandwich board poster saying "Yes, I am a restaurant critic."
Apparently, this Phantom's conditions on anonymity are nowhere near as good as those of the ghost-who-walks.

MSN bitches about commercials, too

2006-08-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I'm not the only one who complains vociferously about commercials: MSN has a piece up about the best and worst commercials of 2006.
Never mind the fact that we're in the middle of August (August, last I checked, was the 8th month, not the 12th), the writer names the "Headon" commercial as the worst of the year.
Really? Headon? Remember, this year saw the release of "Little Man." The ads for "Little Man" would ruin the appetite of a starving man.
Also borne from this year was the Taco Bell clown. That ad destroyed any chance of my ever eating at a Taco Bell again. In fact, I intend to purchase a franchise for the sole purpose of shutting it down. Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it, you goddamned clown! (That is, if the clown owned a pipe, and if my rage could somehow manifest itself into a rank chunk of tobacco.)
Sure, the Headon commercial may annoy with repetition ("Headon! Apply directly to the forehead!"). It may even rankle some with its poor production values.
But is it a genuine sign of the apocalypse, like the face of a Wayans brother appearing on the body of a child? I think not.
MSN, consider yourself schooled.

Would a just and merciful God allow sequels to Jim Carrey movies?

2006-08-18T13:49:00.000-07:00

Well, they finally went and did it - a second sequel to Ace Ventura: Pet Detective may be on the way. And without Jim Carrey. Apparently, Hollywood never learns. What makes this movie even more likely to suck is the fact that Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls was absolutely horrible. Everything that made the first movie funny had been removed (well, except for Carrey), and the entire experience is painful.

***

Apparently, I'm not the only one who though Snakes on a Plane was worth a blog posting: both Taylor Long and Brian Drew have recountings of SoaP screenings. However, mine is the only one that mentions bees, so I win!

Bees? Plane? Samuel L. Jackson?

2006-08-18T09:24:00.000-07:00

As we all know, Snakes on a Plane is now in theaters. However, the Wall Street Journal recently had an article about bees swarming planes and causing problems in the Southwest. Apparently, this real phenomenon occurs with the Africanized bee, commonly known as the "Killer Bee."
Does anyone else smell sequel?
A swarm of bees would be more than enough to draw the ire of Samuel L. Jackson, causing him to become goddamn sick of these mother-f'in bees! Bees are also naturally creepy, just like snakes!
Additionally, the movie would be able to use the based on true events tag, previously reserved only for movies about people from the wrong side of the tracks rapping their way to the top, or dedicated high school teachers who teach tough inner-city youths to learn, while simultaneously learning to be more "street."
Hollywoodland, call me!

Dead Rising - About a week later

2006-08-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

Hiya,
Bought the new 360 Game Dead Rising last week, but decided to let it age a bit before I posted about it.
What's good:

Zombies. And plenty of 'em. There are simply a ridiculous amount of zombies in the mall (what the hell is it, Christmastime or something?). This is really the first game that gives you anything close to the scope a full-scale undead outbreak would entail.
Weapons for eviscerating zombies. You are given an almost unlimited arsenal, and it's up to you to decide how you want to get rid of the zombie infestation.
Cool graphics. Frank and pals look real and, though the individual zombies are unremarkable, the mere number surely makes up for that.

What's bad:

Save system. Oh dear god, the save system. Hoofing it to a save point every time you want to save is a disastrous misstep on the part of the designers. I won't say too much about this one, as it's been done to death on the Internets.
Small text on SD TVs. Once again, has been a repeated complaint across Internet.
Sheer size of mall. Yes, the mall has to be huge to prevent the game from lapsing into repetitiveness, but given that most of the missions involve escorting civilians out of harm's way, this is a severe drawback. Also makes the save system even more intolerable.

What's odd:

Lack of quality control in Frank's world. Seriously, a lead pipe shouldn't give in so easily. Is there a complaints department in the mall?
Why does Frank use a wooden bat? Certainly, his traditionalism is welcome in a world obsessed with efficiency, but you have to think an aluminum bat would increase his chances for survival.
Weird nudity. It turns out one of Frank's shirts has a pic of a topless gal on the front. What's odder is I picked this shirt, and yet never noticed the pic until someone on the Internet posted it out, especially given that I can point out toplessness from three states away.

Even more commercial complaining

2006-08-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

Last post, I discussed Taco Bell and it's pathetic attempt to encapsulate office life. In this post (part 3 in the series "Mike Gleason complains about everything"), I will talk about McDonalds and Burger King, and analyzing their attempts to stuff even more food down our gullets.
The new McD's commercials also take place inside an office, and feature people committing stupid errors because they missed "snacktime." Hence, we are encouraged to purchase McDonalds foods to avoid these missteps.
Now, my complaint doesn't center around the nutritional value (or lack thereof) of McDonalds foods, as that's a topic that's been done to death. My concern is that these office workers are sufficiently malnourished that going 4 or 5 hours without food leads to drastic mistakes. Does it take a helping of sugar every few hours to stave off dementia? Huh?
Really, the question is - does McDonald's even have to advertise at this point? I mean, we've all been to a McDonald's. Hell, we all probably live within three minutes of one. We all know precisely what we'll be getting if we go to a McDonald's. If we know all that, what the hell do we need advertising for?
Burger King commercials are also creepy in the Taco-Bell-clown sort of way. Chicken fries seem to be a bad enough idea, but do we really need a talking chicken going through (presumably) an identity crisis? Also, this might have gotten past the Burger King Quality Control people, but since chickens are female, shouldn't they have, well, female voices?
Ad people who convey chickens as male should go to that same circle of hell that's reserved for cartoonists who depict cavemen and dinosaurs coexisting.
...And that's my complaint of the day.

Yet more commercial ranting

2006-08-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, I've returned for my monthly post (been really hoping to make this weekly, but busy as hell).
Now, to the abominations that are the new Taco Bell commercials.
Essentially, the ad involves people eating Taco Bell food in the office, and they are talking about how "fun" the food is. A clown (the office "fun guy") enters, and decries the fact that the food is more "fun" than he is.
The ad basically starts with a false premise: the people in the office are eating Taco Bell without immediately rushing to the nearest restroom. Also, who refers to food as "fun"? Really. "Fun"? There are two categories of food: stuff that tastes good, and stuff that doesn't. Fun doesn't enter into the equation.
The clown adds nothing. Never mind the subset of the population that is completely freaked out by clowns, but clowns are quite unappetizing - they taste funny (yes, I went there - to the lame cannibalism joke). Isn't there a more subtle way to denote that he is the office "fun guy"?
It's not like it's impossible to shoehorn office politics into fast food commercials - Burger King did a great job with the commercials that starred Joel McHale (from "The Soup" on E!).
In other news, t-sides blogger Taylor Long boasts about her hit counts. I am bitterly envious, as there is not a fraction small enough to represent my daily audience.
Also, wannabehipster blogs against fascism. So that's why he didn't like that "I love fascism" bumper sticker I sent him.

Ninety-Nine Nights Xbox Demo First Thoughts

2006-08-12T09:41:00.000-07:00

I recently downloaded the demo for Ninety-Nine Nights (hereafter referred to as N3 for purposes of typing hand safety), the relatively-anticipated game for the 360. Unfortunately, the title doesn't really live up to the hype in any way.
The opening cutscenes are so badly written, acted and translated, it's hard to tell where one failure begins and another ends. Is the voice actor horrible, or is it that no one could pull of the line "La-Landslide" with a straight face? I feel there should be a name given to this phenomena, and I propose "George Lucas Syndrome." Think about it: is Hayden Christensen really a horrible actor, or were his lines so mind-numbingly awful that no actor could have done well?
The game itself (yes, I was getting there eventually) is nothing to write home about, either. The demo I played was horribly boring. If a game gets repetitive in the demo, then there are some serious issues. Of course, it's possible that the actual game will throw in a few change-ups, but isn't the demo supposed to showcase the best aspects of a videogame?
In essence, the game is similar to Dynasty Warriors. You, as leader of your army, face off against a legion of enemies - mowing them down with ease. Really, it just degenerates into pushing the same buttons over and over and over.
N3 is a really good-looking game, but it's a shame that the graphics don't translate to more fun.

Dead Rising Demo First Thoughts

2006-08-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

The demo of Dead Rising, the forthcoming Capcom Xbox 360 game, is now on Xbox Live. I tried it out, as I haven't killed nearly as many zombies as I thought I would have at this point in my life.
I thought it was extremely funny how the creators had to completely disavow any connection between the game and George Romero's Dawn of the Dead in a pre-title screen disclaimer. Zombies? In a mall? How anyone can connect that with Dawn of the Dead is beyond me.
In the game, you control Frank, a news photographer who resembles (to me, at least) a less-coked-up Quentin Tarantino. Searching for a story, he winds up trapped in a mall filled with mindless, flesheating zombies. It's up to you to ensure his survival.
The game does an excellent job of putting you in a "virtual sandbox" filled with zombies and ways to dispatch said zombies. It's fun to figure out new and exciting ways to dispatch the undead, and the mall is a quite accurate fascimile of an average American mall.
I have to say, the best part of this game is being able to kill zombies without the tired "wander slowly through empty areas trying to find a key" formula (I'm looking your way, Resident Evil). Also, the game renders a virtual army of zombies to fight, as opposed to a steady trickle of brain-chomping foes (once again, kicking Resident Evil's ass).
However, the real issue with this game will be longevity. Despite the many possible ways to play the game, Dead Rising feels like it could get repetitive very easily. There has to be something to back this zombie-killing up, or the game will get old fast.
Despite this, Dead Rising appears to be the closest videogame approximation of Dawn of the Dead to date. Look out for it August 8th. I know I will.

Commercial Ranting

2006-07-17T17:10:00.000-07:00

I have to say, I don't really like Chrysler's new ad campaign (the one with "Dr. Z"). I especially despise the one where he's berated by one of the guys from their previous campaign ("That thing got a Hemi?"). What the hell is the thinking behind that move?
"Hmm...Everyone loves Germans and rednecks. If only there was a way to combine them, that would be a super awesome ad campaign!"
Thing is, knowing corporate America, that series of ads likely had to be greenlit by numerous teams of people. This means not one, but scores of people, had to have thought this was a good idea.
By the way, does anyone find the initial concept for "That thing got a Hemi?" humorous? At all? I, quite frankly, would be discouraged from buying a car if rednecks would approach me about it. The fact that they reference it in their new commercial means it must have worked on someone. Where are these people?
Meanwhile, the worst movie since 'White Chicks' has been advertised non-stop. Doesn't Little Man seem like it will be the most unintentionally creepy movie ever? I honestly cannot think of a movie that's more goddamned eerie. I think horror movie directors around the world just threw up their hands and said "That's it. There's no way I can top that."

Wherein I complain about Superman

2006-07-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

All right, this is an official spoiler warning, so here goes:
If you have not yet seen Superman Returns, and want to be somewhat shocked by the plotline, I recommend that you stop reading here.
...
...
...
All right, here goes:
Was anyone else bothered that Superman had an illegimate kid? Huh?? Never mind the physical problems (they've been detailed by more talented folk than I), does that seem like something Superman would do?
I know, I know, it's the new milennium and all, but this Superman was based on the 1970s version. It was supposed to take place a few years after Superman 2. Did it seem, at all, that Superman and Lois were knocking (red) boots during Superman 2? I might have missed it (especially because I was endlessly amused by the 900 or so times General Zod says "Kneel before Zod!"), but I somehow doubt it. The Christopher Reeve Superman made your average Boy Scout look like Christian Slater. I don't think he would have looked highly on premarital sex.
Anyway, I was rather disappointed by the movie in general - it was inconsistent as hell. When the movie works, it works (especially with the sly nods to the original). When it doesn't, it's painful (adding a kid to anything makes it about 10 times more annoying).
On the plus side, the theme is overall much less campy than the original, and Lois is definitely quite attractive.
Still, the out-of-characterness of having an illegitimate kid, and overall inconsistency keep this one below the original. At least, that's my (irrelevant) opinion.
Off topic: is any character so connected to a theme as Superman is to John Williams'? Really, I don't think they could have possibly used another theme.

Good Lord, I'm Lazy, or Godzilla:Redux

2006-06-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

Wow...it's been quite a while since my last post.
Anyway, recently I had a commentor mention a campaign against the whole "new Godzilla in the Doritos ads" things. That got me thinking: think of what that horrible Godzilla movie robbed us of. Looking at it from a 2006 perspective, the Godzilla flop cost us a chance at "Peter Jackson's King Kong vs. Godzilla." It would've been a 9-hour-long epic, with 3 intermissions and a musical number. The climax would have been Kong fighting 300 Godzilla hatchlings at the same time in Madison Square Garden(with Kong winning, of course!).
Such a shame.

Post Smorg

2006-06-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

Multiple topics to cover, and not much time to get to it.

New "Snakes on a Plane" teaser out. If you like snakes, planes, Samuel L. Jackson and movie teasers with a hell of a lot more words than footage, click here.
Does Sprite's new ad campaign make anyone actually want to buy a Sprite? Sure, sure, I get it - it's "subliminal." Sublime is great (if a little played out), but I never really want sublime and food products to go together. When I'm eating an apple, I want to be reasonably sure my universe won't go all Dali on me. Do sumo wrestlers get you thirsty? How about mouths in someone's eye sockets? Frankly, if you're an ad exec, and your entire ad campaign is based on a horribly bad pun ("sublymonal"), it might be time to rethink career choices. Something went wrong there.
Addendum to the previous bullet point: does "lymon" work on anyone else either? If I see "lymon," I'm thinking my citrus has been untruthful with me.
I think Disney's entire business is based on the concept of "things that shouldn't talk, but do." Cars? Shouldn't talk. Toys? Shouldn't talk. Anthropomorphic animals? Shouldn't talk. That business model might be getting a little played out, so I suggest they diversify. Where, you might ask? I think they should invest in the concept of "things that should talk, but don't." Think about it, an entirely new market, thus far only tapped by mimes. There's a fortune to be made here, Disney.

"Space" as a Prefix

2006-05-31T17:48:00.000-07:00

So, I was watching an old Hannah-Barbera cartoon the other day. It was"Yogi's Space Race," (though it only tangentially involved Yogi Bear) and what struck me is that they used the word "space" to define everything. If there was a bear out in space, they'd call him a "Space Bear." The most egregious example was when they referred to "Atilla and his Space Huns."
Now, what if everything was prefaced with the location where it was found?
"Look out! A woods bear!"
"Aah! A water shark!"
"Hey, let's go to Taco Bell and get some middle-of-suburbia tacos!"
Do you think astronauts add the word "Space" to their everyday tasks? Wouldn't the word simply be assumed?
I suppose an astronaut could use the word "space" all willy-nilly if he wanted to piss off his fellow astronauts.
"Hey, I'm about to use the space toilet. Could you hand me a space magazine? I'm about to make it space smell-like-crap in here!"
Post-script: Brian Drew has some excellent tips to beat the summer "have no air-conditioning" blues, though his solutions are a little too "wearing pants-centric" for my tastes.

Using old movies to shill

2006-05-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

Has anyone noticed the proliferation of commercials based on old movies? Directv has used Ferris Bueller's Day Off (with Ben Stein calling attendance, and then speculating as to why Ferris wasn't in class) and Twister (with the infamous "flying cattle" scene) to push their services, and I just saw a Doritos commercial featuring Godzilla. Not the beloved original, mind you, but the 1998 remake that was colossally bad.
What I'm wondering is, why those movies?
They're all old, but not old enough to really reach classic status. Ferris Bueller is a good enough movie (despite horrific overexposure to it, I still like the movie), but what about "Twister?" Or "Godzilla," for that matter? Have you even thought about those movies in six years? (Note: cable reruns you came across while flipping around do not count.) Maybe, just maybe, you thought "Hey, I haven't seen Twister in a while!"
(I just realized that all of the movies are interconnected. Godzilla and Bueller star Matthew Broderick. Bueller and Twister had Alan Ruck (the guy who played Cameron). And Twister and Godzilla have a connection: Twister starred the former Mrs. Hank Azaria, and Godzilla starred the former Mr. Helen Hunt. Coincidence? Or evil plot to revive bad movies starring Bueller alums?)

Graduated

2006-05-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the lack of recent posts, but my life has been incredibly odd lately.
I just graduated from Hofstra University, with my amazingly-useful Journalism degree (awesome!), and prepping for the entire process has left me rather drained.
Luckily, that's pretty much done with, and now I only have to deal with finding a job and starting my life, which should be super easy, right?
Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone who made my college experience most excellent (in the true Bill-and-Ted sense of the phrase). They all know who they are, and they're now an integral part of my life. Take a bow.

E3 thoughts (from the opposite coast)

2006-05-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well, the keynotes have wrapped up for E3, and no one clearly stole the show.
Sony, I think, hamstrung itself with the new price ($499-$599). The price will force gamers to re-evaluate how they look at gaming: is it a pleasant diversion, or a full-on hobby? Hobbies warrant such an outlay of cash, diversions do not. The primary selling point is, obviously, the console's power, but exactly how it stacks up against the Xbox 360 remains to be seen. If the difference is real, and can be seen, it will make a difference. If not, Sony is in trouble.
(A word about the controller: as everyone on the internet has said before, it appears to be a half-implemented version of what Nintendo's doing. I cannot see this being a major selling point for the console.)
Microsoft had no big console news to cause buzz, but appears to have done a fair job. I was decidedly underwhelmed by the trailer - not much was shown, and the Halo name isn't quite enough to excite me. I believe the 360's primary problem is a PR one, as the public has been led to believe that the PS3 is much, much more powerful. If it can equal the PS3, it has a fighting chance.
(Re: the Halo 3 trailer. How, precisely, does Master Chief get so shiny? Does he spend a good portion of the day waxing himself? What about the hard-to-reach places - does he ask someone else to wax him there? I'd imagine you'd have to know someone pretty well to get them to wax you.)
Nintendo did enough to be the best, in my opinion, but failed to make the victory decisive. Definitive news about the price and release date would have been welcome. If Nintendo announced a price significantly below that of the Playstation 3, it definitely would have stolen Sony's thunder.

(Finally, re: Metroid Prime 3. Doesn't that game look like a GameCube game? I mean precisely like Metroid Prime 2? Of course, I've only seen it on low-quality Internet video, but I got a serious case of deja vu.)

Master Chief - A shiny, shiny man.

Nintendo Rides the Mushrooms With Wii

2006-04-27T16:35:00.000-07:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Nintendo has announced the official name of the Revolution.
The 'Wii.'
My first thought: Nintendo has been consuming too many magic mushrooms.
The official video makes it all a little less odd (read: criminally insane). Apparently, they're really trying to break free of the current console grind. The message (at least, the one they're trying to send out) is that, while Sony and Microsoft are content to release updated versions of old things (Xbox 360 and Playstation 3), while Nintendo is changing everything.
That, and they're giving it an image I can only describe as iPodesque. Is it me, or has every consumer electronics product released in the last 3 years tried to be the iPod?
Me, in print form: I've finally got a story in this week's print edition of the Long Island Press. Pick up a copy, or go here. I dare you.

"Star Trek" returns & Bruce Willis shills

2006-04-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

Linking to myself yet again.
Yes, after a one-year hiatus, Star Trek is returning, and will be helmed this time by "Lost" and "Alias" creator J.J. Abrams.
I don't know about this. I never really watched "Alias" or "Lost." And "Star Trek" has been pretty bad (read: awful) lately. Will the new movie continue the trend, or cause a redirect?
I haven't completely gibed with "Star Trek" since it was William Shatner flying around the universe, kicking ass. Think this new movie will have overly dramatic pauses? Hope so.
P.S.: Yes, this is the second post in three posts to mention William Shatner.
...
Completely changing the subject: This is one of the weirdest commercials I've seen lately. It's a Japanese energy drink commercial starring Bruce Willis.

Now, I won't call this blatant, but...

2006-04-20T14:27:00.000-07:00

...take a look at what Campusfood is sending via email.
Wait..."grass"...you don't think they're talking about?....oh, now I get it!
This is by no means the first time Campusfood has mined the rich trove that is April 20th.
By the way, wouldn't that be the most ineffectual road sign in history? Never mind that the meaning isn't that clear (potheads lying in the road? malaise ahead?), but the color of the sign blends in perfectly with the scenery.

The Man From T.J.

2006-04-11T08:12:00.000-07:00

Watching TV lately, I came to a shocking discovery.
Normally, when advertising is cheap, they show commercials for local lawyers. There is this standard commercial that multiple law firms use, where a semi-famous actor will say "Tell the insurance companies you mean business. Call (Law Firm) ...right now."
Until recently, the actor they used was none other than the Man from U.N.C.L.E. himself, Robert Vaughn. However, the other night, I saw that commercial, only with William Shatner!
Which begs the question: if Napleon Solo and Officer T.J. Hooker were in a Texas Cage Match, who would win? I'm giving Hooker the win, if only because he worked with mid-eighties Heather Locklear.
P.S. Yes, I busted out the T.J. Hooker reference like it was my job.

Robots, Robots Everywhere

2006-04-07T16:19:00.000-07:00

Finally, good news on the robot front.
According to this Gizmodo post, scientists are using robots to conduct experiments in Antarctica. Seemingly innocuous, right? Well, since robots can go to Antarctica, and it's dangerous for humans to do so, this would be the logical place to headquarter their eventual attack on humanity. Since robots run on logic (and alcohol), it seems we've found their hidden base! Huzzah!
However, the celebration must be tempered by reports that evil robots from the future will be attacking Australia, in the form of the "Terminator 4" movie cast.
This means my decision to house my underground compound in Montana is making more and more sense as time goes by. Note my big map o'robots (click on pic for better view):

Editorial Asides

2006-04-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, it was snowing on the (long) island this morning. I thought we had left the white stuff behind, but the weather gods proved me wrong. Oh, ye vile weather gods, please spare us the pain of the white stuff for a few months! In turn, I will find ye a sacrifice.
Strange thing is, though, that it ended up being a mildly pleasant day.
Shameless self-promotion part I: You can read my story on the Simpsons teaser here. It's only three (or five) days late!
Shameless self-promotion part II: I'm kinda happy about Joystiq posting something I brought to their attention. Rockin'! (Yeah...lacking cleverness=utter lack of cleverness)

A Man 'Midst the Machines

2006-04-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

Your intrepid reporter (me) files a dispatch from the FIRST Robotics competition (a while ago): The crowd roars greedily for action. There is a great clap as they pound their feet upon the stands. The spectators are garishly clad in team colors, cheering their group lustily as the combatants prepare.
Suddenly, a horn sounds. The competitors snap to action, zipping along the court. Plastic and metal clash on the playing fields of, well, carpet. A combatant falls and does not rise again.
Is this a sporting event? A Gladiatorial contest?
No, it’s the semifinals of the FIRST robotics competition in Hofstra Arena. It is here that high school teams from around the region compete to see which team has technological superiority, which can manipulate their robot most skillfully.
The competition is simple, really. The robots are divided into three-member teams that compete. The robots must shoot or guide balls (they start with 40, though balls can be reused) into one of the opposing team’s three targets. Matches last 2 minutes and 10 seconds, during which the teams have an offensive period, a defensive period and two free periods. At the end, teams receive points if their robots return to their home platforms.
I am sick...a sore throat rages, and my headache has reached epic proportions. The incessant cheering of hundreds of high schoolers does not help at all. Throughout the proceedings, I am jostled, nudged and elbowed across the arena floor as the teams prepare to duke it out.
The crowd is nearly as entertaining as the matches. A high-schooler dressed as Darth Vader (complete with lightsaber) and another in a chicken suit wander the stands. The viewers are nearly all clad in attire designating their school and team. They cheer as ardently as if they were at a hard-fought high school athletic contest.
Yet the contest is not yet up to that level. The robots move quickly, but jerkily. Sports fans in search of poetry in motion should apply elsewhere; this is the world of functionality, of sheer efficiency over form. Teamwork is basically nonexistent, and, of course, there is the ever-present “man behind the curtain:” the teams control every movement of the robots. There is no autonomy here.
Leaving the competition, one can be sure of two things. First, that all involved had an enjoyable time. Secondly, these robots aren’t a threat to humanity.
Yet.

Arrested, We Hardly Knew Ye

2006-03-29T18:21:00.000-08:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Arrested Development is truly dead.
Series creator Mitch Hurwitz has hung the series up, and moved to (hopefully) greener pastures. This means the deal with Showtime is officially dead.
Frankly, they were hinting at it in the last episode of season 3.
So pay your last respects, buy the DVDs...and find another unwatched but brilliant TV show to get attached to.
(Yes, I linked to myself. Big whup! Wanna fight about it?)

Story and the video game

2006-03-27T14:12:00.000-08:00

A really interesting article on the CBS News website asks when (if ever) video games will have a "Citizen Kane" moment. When will games come into their own as a storytelling medium, as opposed to game stories merely providing the backdrop for the gameplay? Is that a desired outcome? Is it even possible? The article addresses these questions well.
Roger Ebert has also questioned whether video games could be considered art. He has said "video games by their nature require player choices, which is the opposite of the strategy of serious film and literature, which requires authorial control."
My take?
Arguably, the best films/books are character-driven. The actions of the protagonist/antagonist move the story inexorably forward towards a conclusion. The end of the story is inescapable; it is the product of the characters involved. Charles Foster Kane dies the way he does because of his choices, his flaws and his reactions to the decisions of others.
Main characters in video games generally aren't strongly characterized. The characters of Nintendo games, for example, are silent or, at most, monosyllabic. "It'sa me, Mario!" isn't exactly a Shakespearian soliloquoy. The reason for this is simple. Video game players generally don't want a character foisted upon them. They enjoy making their own decisions. The success of the Grand Theft Auto series exemplifies this; players are given a completely open-ended experience. They can elect to undertake the given missions, or they can merely run around, carjacking at random. Similarly, a number of gamers dislike the Metal Gear Solid series (largely regarded as one of the most film-like games) because the player is forced along a track, forced to follow along with the rigid story.
These factors paint our potential video game auteur into a corner. He must create a strong, emotionally affecting story while taking pains to avoid forcing a story on an unwilling audience. A near impossible task.
Will games eventually rival films as "high art"? I believe it is possible, but someone needs to totally re-invent the conventions of the medium. The graphics arms war would have to take a backseat to this undertaking.

Movie News, Robot Views and the Possibility I'm Going to Hell

2006-03-24T16:07:00.000-08:00

From the "Could Samuel L. Jackson be more hardcore?" department: Apparently, Snakes on a Plane is doing a five-day re-shoot to make the movie, yes, even more intense. More violence, gore, nudity, and profanity have bumped this movie up from "interest" to "must-see" in my book.
Furthermore, I've learned that the term "Snakes on a Plane" has entered into the cultural lexicon as something similar to "shit happens." I now make it my life's mission to use this as frequently as possible. Because I'm sick and tired of these snakes!
From the "Stayin' Alive" department: A key part of the trailer for the new movie Stay Alive appears to be the line: "Don't you get it? If you die in the game, you die for real!" Apparently, a good number of people didn't get it, as the line is repeated twice in the TV ad. Is the concept of the movie so complicated that it warrants two explanations?
Robots, Robots, Robots!: I'm going to be covering the second of half of the FIRST robotics competition tomorrow. Look for further coverage to follow.
From the "I'm a horrible, horrible, person" department: Randy Quaid is suing the producers of Brokeback Mountain because they allegedly underpaid him. According to him, the moviemakers claimed it would be an arthouse flick, unlikely to turn a profit.
*WARNING: OFF-COLOR JOKE ALERT*
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the producers of Brokeback Mountain "stiffed" Randy Quaid.
And that's why I'm going to hell.

I'm sorry for my incurable laziness

2006-03-20T20:27:00.000-08:00

Well, I am.
I come off a weekend where I was called "bro" much, much too often. Now, I am not averse to the occasional "bro" as a term of endearment, but it becomes repetitive quite quickly. I am not anyone's bro, nor do I really wish to be. I went through great pains to ensure my only-child status (it's amazing how a little medical knowledge can go a long way) and I do not intend to have it revoked.
I just realized: I'm a jackass, aren't I?
I don't intend to be. I'm merely suspicious of overly friendly people. Maybe it's because I'm an east-coast-raised cynical bastard, but anyone who is too nice is eerie. Everyone should just start off neutral, and work out the friend-or-foe system from there.
By the by, V for Vendetta was a damn good movie. The people I went with, though, were disturbed by someone in the audience booing at the end. The thing is, we couldn't quite figure out who would be disappointed in that movie.
It gets even weirder: I have seen my share of movies in my day (due to a low-grade obsession) and I don't remember anyone ever booing a movie, good or bad. I mean, I've seen the House of Wax remake, for God's sake. No boos. Creepy.

Forgive me my football fandom

2006-03-15T14:27:00.000-08:00

The following post illustrates why I should never be allowed to talk about football.
Now, on Sunday, Newsday presented two alternate plans to fix the New York Jets football team, which has been upon rough times lately. They're both wrong, to my mind.
Well, that's unfair. They both make some good points, but their imaginary GM moves seem ill-fated, at least to my mind.
Well, I have taken my extremely valuable (read: useless) time to conjure up a plan to fix the New York Jets. I have done this despite the fact that I am in no way a Jets fan.

Get a veteran backup QB: There has been much talk about the Jets trading up in the draft to pick Matt Leinart. This is a mistake. This would leave the Jets in a quandry, especially if Chad Pennington gets hurt again (and he has been shown to be injury-prone). If they pick Leinart, their QB options would be an oft-injured starter and an inexperienced rookie. Not a formula for winning. Instead, they should acquire a steady, cheap, unspectacular veteran, ideally someone in the Brad Johnson mold. Jon Kitna might've worked, but he was snapped up by the Lions. Get someone who can win you some games if your starter gets injured.
No, not Patrick Ramsey: Patrick Ramsey was placed on the bench by the Redskins in favor of Mark Brunell. Then, last year, the Redskins drafted Jason Campbell, in the first round. Joe Gibbs, the Redskins coach, is not blind to talent. If he really thought Ramsey gave them a great chance to win, wouldn't he have started Ramsey? Wouldn't he have avoided spending another first-round pick on a quarterback?
Trade down in the draft: The team has many, many holes. A spectacular pick would energize the fans, all right, but it wouldn't solve all this teams problems. One team has to be desperate to sign one of the big three QBs (Leinart, Cutler, and Young) and might give up the farm for the pick. Milk that team for all its worth.
Sign smart, workmanlike veterans: The temptation at the start of free agency is to throw money at the most attractive player available. This is salary cap suicide, and big free agency players rarely play as well as advertised. Instead, pay moderate money to a large number of veterans. Thus, one can build depth and ensure that, if one player doesn't work out, another competent one is available to take his place. This was the formula to the Patriots success in 2001, and it paid off immensely.
Draft a running back: But do it later in the draft. Curtis Martin has performed well, but the time has come for a successor to be named. However, the first round is a high price for a running back, especially for a team with many needs.
Build the offensive line: One thing common to successful teams is good offensive line play. No matter how good a QB is, he cannot play if he's getting pressured constantly. No matter how good a running back is, he cannot gain yardage if there are no holes for him to run through. The importance of a good offensive line cannot be overstated, yet teams consistently ignore this to sign bigger names (the Texans, to their great detriment, never seem to field a good offensive line).

And there you have it, my completely inexperienced and untrained opinion.

On tree-climbing robots

2006-03-13T16:32:00.000-08:00

It appears that even tree-dwelling marsupials (such as the friendly koala to the right) aren't safe from the oncoming robot invasion. The Rise project (same video here) has developed six-legged, tree-climbing robots that will eventually doom us all. (Shame, as my compound in Montana was largely tree-based).
On the plus side, these robots will eventually encounter the giant apes. The clash between these titans of the trees may yet spare the human race.
On a personal note, I notice I haven't gotten into too many fights to the death lately; perhaps my impressive 17-3 record intimidates too many people.

It's Oscar-rific

2006-03-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

We all know the Academy Awards on Sunday were more boring than reading tax-appropriations bills while on a long train ride. Jon Stewart was doing the best he could, but the crowd reacted like it was soaked in Valium. And then there were the montages: the salute to epics, the salute to film noir, the salute to montages, the salute to salutes. Basically, Hollywood was shown to be self-obsessed and self-congratulatory. The fact that it really is self-obsessed and self-congratulatory is irrelevant; when I turn on my TV, I want entertainment, darn it.
Therefore, as I am nothing if not gracious, I freely offer my sure-fire tips to make the Oscars interesting.

As the winner gives an acceptance speech, show the worst movie that winner has ever been involved in. So, for Jake Gyllenhaal, show The Day After Tomorrow. For Ang Lee, show Hulk. For Clooney, show Batman and Robin. This will have the twofold effect of keeping the speeches short (as no one wants their worst work on national TV) and giving the winners a good dose of humility.
On the same token, give a running commentary on which actor/actress/director/etc. is most likely to fade into obscurity or release a horrible, horrible movie next year. I want to know who'll make the next Catwoman. Who will pull the next Halle Berry?
Have the two old guys from the Muppets who sat in the balcony and made bad puns while heckling people. That one's pretty self-explanatory.
The running commentary mentioned earlier should be done by John Madden, for reasons of shear hilarity. Whether he's drawing out a really obvious point, or talking over one of the presenters, his contributions will be evident.
2-hour time limit. If Jack Bauer can end a hostage situation in 3 hours, why the hell can't we find out who the best ass-kissers are in 4?
Executive override. If one of the presenters doesn't like the winner, he/she can just change it. Internet conspiracy theorists suggest Nicholson did it this year. If so, it just makes Jack that much cooler. Ask yourself: who the hell would notice? Or care? Just changing from one elite to another.

About the 36 Mafia winning an Oscar for "It's hard out there for a Pimp": Why? We've known for years that pimpin' ain't easy, but the song forgot to mention that it sure is fun. That alone should have precluded it from consideration.

Weird

2006-03-05T01:52:00.000-08:00

So Kyle and I were playing yahoo chess, and this girl (her username mispelled "cutie" as "cuite") comes in and asks (read "demands") us to boot her off. It seems she can't leave. However, what offended me most was the "YALL" in the request. So we decide that if she cannot help herself, she doesn't deserve free time. The following are the highlights of a multi-hour conversation in which she demonstrated her lack of understanding on religion, medicine, chemistry, geography, manners and basic spelling.

utter idiot: U GUYS ARE GAY
kyle: I'm bi
me: bicameral
kyle: because I'm Jesus
kyle: I swing all ways
idiot: OK
idiot: BEY
kyle: in many ways you may find peculiar, but...
me: there are things you have not considered
me: especially in the ways of deity-loving
...
idiot: U R TO BITCH
idiot: B...I...T...C....H
kyle: I'm 'too bitch' aren't i?
me: we know how to spell bitch
me: you already typed it
kyle: bitches come in all sizes and flavors...some bitches taste like butter, some have cankles
idiot: EAT OUT OF YOUR MOMS ASS
kyle: all are my children
me: some bitches you can't believe aren't butter
me: but then, you know they aren't
...
kyle: if you can't figure out how to leave this game, you should buy a helmet
kyle: and wear it always
idiot: THE STUFF YOU ARE SAYING DOES NOT MAKE ANY SSENCE
me: it is not your place to understand
me: merely to purchase the helmet
idiot: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
kyle: and wear it like it supplies you with the meth that you require to keep your job at walmart and your illegitimate child.
me: the helmet represents his infinite love for you
kyle: god's
idiot: NO WONDER YALL ARE THE ONLY ONES HERE
me: and walmart
kyle: we like kitties, and candy, unlike most people
me: most people would just choke the kittens with the candy
me: but not us
kyle: kitties wouldn't last long on the good ship lollipop
...
idiot: WHY ARE YOU WERSHIPING A REGULAR HUMAN?
kyle: what did you call me?
idiot: A REGULAR HUMAN
kyle: i am...a BANANA!
idiot: OK BANANA
kyle: so there it is, the true identity of god
me: a BANANA PHONE!
kyle: sitting in bunches at your local grocer
me: yet able to make long-distance phone calls
kyle: make your move, god
idiot: YOU PLAY WITH SOMETHING YOU KNOW LITTLE ABOUT
me: chess? you're right
me: know more about divine things
idiot: NO DONT PLAY CONCEAVABLE
kyle: don't play illiterate
...
idiot: HEED HAVE MORE NPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN PLAY CHESS WITH HIS CREATIONS
kyle: Jesus has asthma, and can't play demanding athletics
kyle: so what would you have him do?
kyle: finger his butthole?
me: slap you and call you 'nancy'?
...
idiot: BACK ATCHA
me: what about atcha's back? is it cancerous?
me: of all of my creations, i regret back cancer most.
...
idiot: YOUR CALLING THE LORD LARD YOU ARE THE SINNER MY FRIEND
kyle: we go to hell...when we want to
kyle: in the winter
me: for satan has a killer tobbagon
kyle: and ball park franks
idiot: YOU NEED AS MUCH WINTER AS YOUR SHEETS NEED BLEACH
kyle: um....pardon?
me: do you question our sledding skills?
...
In conclusion, 5 a.m. conversations are fun.
P.S. All spelling errors are original, as are the caps.
P.P.S. This post may be long and obnoxious, but it's almost 6 a.m. and this is funny as hell to me now.
P.P.P.S. Kyle won the game, by the way.

Bad Sci-Fi Movies

2006-02-27T16:33:00.000-08:00

I think I have a problem: I can't resist bad science fiction movies.
For example, I have recently come to the conclusion that I will likely go see the upcoming Ultraviolet. The thing is, I am absolutely sure that movie will be bad. Not just bad, but excruciating.
So why am I going to see it? I don't really know. I could blame it on wanting to see Milla Jovovich. But it cannot be that alone; I wouldn't see a romantic comedy with her in it. Thus, I am led inexorably to the conclusion that I have no resistance to bad sci-fi.
Other:

Is it bad to want to get drunk on a Monday?
24! 24 24 24. 24 24, 24 24 24 24!
Why do series-ending episodes always suck? (I'm looking in your direction, Seinfeld)

Season of St. Patty?

2006-02-24T16:23:00.000-08:00

Recently, a Guinness commercial referred to St. Patrick's day season. I know Guinness wants St. Patrick's day to be an actual holiday, but isn't that a bit much? Is it kosher to attribute a season to a holiday that doesn't even warrant a day off from work/school?
However, there is an even more pressing question: do we even want a St. Patty's day season? Yes, this sounds silly from someone who recently advocated the creation of a second St. Patrick's Day, but a season would be overdoing it. I mean, a season connotes all that holiday bullsh*t, like buying presents, singing carols, decorating the house and meeting with obnoxious relatives. Do we really want to taint St. Patrick's day with such concepts as responsibility?
(Hell no!)

Fuck you, Jimmy Fallon

2006-02-22T15:59:00.000-08:00

So I was at the movies recently, and I see this soda commercial...with Jimmy Fucking Fallon! You know, the man who was utterly incapable of completing a Saturday Night Live sketch without looking at the camera and giggling like he was spouting the most witty comments in the history of sketch comedy. Never mind that he presided over some of the worst sketches ever put on air, he just loved to hear himself deliver punchlines.
Then, of course, he decided to move on to movies, and released two goddamn horrible movies, even in this era of horrible movies. There is really no reason to see either Fever Pitch or Taxi. Fever Pitch, of course, cast Yankee fan Fallon as a Red Sox fan. Because there are no famous Red Sox fans out there, certainly none who can giggle at the camera quite as well as he can. Hell, Michael Chiklis could pull off a comedic role better than Fallon.
My point is, I thought he exhausted his 15 minutes of fame. I was goddamn praying he exhausted his 15 minutes of fame.
But he's now in a commercial with Parker Posey (who actually has talent). So I am forced to deal with two conflicting forces: the part of me that wants to watch Parker Posey against the part of me that despises Jimmy Fallon.

Pretty Damn Funny

2006-02-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

This is, by far, the funniest thing I've seen thus far this year.
...And that's it. Shortest. Post. Ever.

Protect yourself from Robots: the book

2006-02-15T17:45:00.000-08:00

As you know if you've read this blog, robots are coming to kill us in the near future.
Now, one man, Daniel Wilson, has written the definitive guide to protecting oneself from these circuited creatures, these mechanical monsters, these...electrical evils.
In the New York Times mentioned above, Wilson says, "If history has taught us anything, it is that someday mankind must face and destroy the growing robot menace."
Pay heed to his words! After the coming conflict, I hope that one day my armed compound in Montana may contact his armed compound in Montana by way of carrier-pigeon.
Other things:

Karma turns: So I couldn't copy-edit at me school newspaper, the Chronicle, because of a class obligation. Can you guess what I did at my internship today?
Bureaucracy rears it's ugly head: Overheard at my class obligation (a lecture): "And now, I'm proud to introduce the man who's going to introduce our speaker tonight."

A Modest Proposal (apologies to Jonathan Swift)

2006-02-11T13:15:00.000-08:00

It is a melancholy object to those who wander drunkenly through the streets of our fair country on February 14th, to see the ravaging effects that Valentine's Day inflicts on the general populace. It enrichens greeting card companies and the candy-industry barons, while depleting the vital beer-money stores of people across the nation.
This problem is only likely to get worse: increasing expectations yield ever-higher standards for giving, an unsustainable arms race of Valentining. This problem is especially hard-felt in the poorer segments of the population, those who can least afford it.
I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
We may find the salvation of this holiday from another saint: Saint Patrick. His holiday engenders naught but the highest praise; it is a beacon to which all lesser holidays flock.
I therefore propose we eliminate Valentine's Day, and replace it with Saint Patrick's Day, thus splitting Saint Patrick's day in twain (like Kill Bill, but without Uma Thurman killing everyone).
I believe the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
First, I believe this would restore the beer money of the nation to its rightful purpose: the procurement of alcohol.
Secondly, this would not take away from the primary benefit of Valentine's Day: the expression of love (or lust, at least). On the contrary, it is often that alcohol prompts the highest proclamations of love (including the "I love you guys" pledge, the screaming of one's name from outside of their apartment, and other such acts of devotion).
Thirdly, the act of gift-giving would be improved tenfold: alcoholic beverages are the best gift of all.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country. I have no brewery by which to hope to profit from this proposal, and my own beer stores are pitifully low.
The End
(PS: It's a wonder I'm still single.)
(PPS: Uma Thurman killing people would make a terrific holiday.)

43rd post spectacular!

2006-02-08T17:51:00.000-08:00

Random thoughts:

Doldrums of the year. I officially nominate February as "worst month of the year." Honestly, does February have one redeeming factor? A greeting-card holiday, a cop-out known as "President's Day" and a rodent divining the weather do not a good month make. That's probably why Davy Jones, the Harlem Globetrotters and the Scooby Doo gang went back in time to make February the shortest month of the year.
Awards shows. Tonight, as you may or may not know, sees the 48th annual Grammy awards. Who watches awards shows? They're always overlong, self-congratulatory television programs that drain the soul. Why do such quaint notions as what a limited number of no-name judges think matter in today's world?
Why, in Back to the Future Part 3, don't they just siphon the gas from the DeLorean in the mineshaft? There are, after all, two time machines in the 1800s: the one that sent Doc back, and the one that sent Marty back. One had gas, one didn't. Guess the Doc wasn't thinking 4th-dimensionally.
Whatever happened to Doctor Mario? Do his loose ways with pills gibe with today's cost-conscious HMOs?
Gotta love that Hofstra is giving the Netherlands complex to freshman (of course, after they've made the improvements that should've been made my freshman year). If I weren't graduating, this would piss me off royally.
From the second-hand news department: According to the Mocknicle, former Chronicle editor Taylor Long has launched her own blog, t-sides. Salutations to Ms. Long, and her bloggery.

The preceding (and thoughts like them) are what kept me out of the really good schools.

Super Bowl Wrapup

2006-02-06T17:10:00.000-08:00

Well, that was one of the least memorable Super Bowls in recent memory. As per usual, the ads were more interesting than the game, though none of this year's ads seem to have passed the remember-it-after-the-hangover test.
My dormmate was particularly incensed by one Ameriquest Super Bowl commercial (can be found here) , as he notes that a fly could not be killed in this manner. Of course, the commercial where a green frog puppet kayaks (and another that shows cavemen and dinosaurs as existing at the same time) went by unremarked-upon (save the lamentations of a decline in voice acting).
I would like to point out that this blog's primate of predictions correctly mentioned that the Seahawks would lose the Super Bowl. He just got the score and the opposing team wrong. He was, in turn, given a cigar, though this gesture was more because it's funny to see monkeys smoke than for any other reason.

Seriously, This Robot is Scary

2006-02-02T20:20:00.000-08:00

Now, I know I may seem a little paranoid about the whole "robots are trying to kill us" thing, but take a look at the robot pictured below this post.
Go ahead, I'll wait...
Back? Good. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? Seriously, is there any way in hell that the robot below is not unthinkably evil?
According to this Gizmodo post, it's a Japanese robot, named "Enryu," which means "rescue dragon." It's supposed to be for highway rescues in bad conditions. Sure, it sounds nice, but it's only a matter of time before it gains sentience. From there, it's a small step starts stalking us along the roads, ripping humans apart with those goddamn claws (that can pick up 1102 pounds each, by the way).
Not to start a panic or anything, but it might be a good time to stockpile food in your compound in Montana.

Rock and Monkey

2006-01-31T15:39:00.000-08:00

It's only a matter of time before the Rock wins an Oscar.
He's slated next to assume the Clint Eastwood role in Every Which Way but Loose. (aintitcool.com)
For those of you who don't know, the movie featured Clint teaming up with a monkey. Obviously, it was a serious drama, investigating the complexities of humanity and... monkeyness.
Frankly, I've been following the Rock's movie career, and this really is the next logical step.

WB and UPN merge, Now Only One Network to Ignore

2006-01-24T17:25:00.000-08:00

According to this Aintitcool news post, the WB network will be merging with UPN into one channel, CW, because, apparently, the fight for last place got too competitive.
Now, life gets exciting, as we will see bad TV fight against bad TV for the right to be broadcast. Natural selection - horrible programming style. Will teen-angst beat, well, whatever the hell UPN broadcasts? Tune in to find out.
Meanwhile, I'll be watching cable, Fox, and the occasional NBC.
(Give me Nip/Tuck, South Park, 24, My Name is Earl and House any day.)

Vive la Revolution!

2006-01-23T19:16:00.000-08:00

An article I read recently made the case that the Nintendo Revolution would be the eventual winner in the upcoming generation of videogames (via a Kotaku post). It makes a compelling argument, so good that it almost convinced me.
To summarize, the article postulates that:

Videogames have become rather stale recently, and malaise is beginning to show itself in the gaming community.
The Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 merely continue along the same track as their predecessors, and cost more (article cites rumor that Playstation 3 may cost $500, a sizable chunk of change).
The Nintendo Revolution is likely to cost less, and deliver a different gaming experience, due to its unique controller (pictured, with system, at right).
Therefore, the Revolution will win out.

This is a good argument, and I admit that, despite being leery of the controller at first, I'm intrigued by the possibilities of the system. However, the article does leave out several key points:

Sony and Microsoft are financial powerhouses, and can afford to support a system for the long haul. They will not back out should the fight prove to be a tough one.
Nintendo has alienated a good deal of the gaming population with 2 less-than-successful (at least, imagewise) systems. The dearth of software for the Nintendo 64 was painful, and the Gamecube has also lacked the spectacular 3rd-party support that the Playstation 2 and Xbox systems enjoy.
Power. The Revolution will apparently be less powerful than its competition. Never discount the power of, well, power.

This puts the gamers in a tight spot; should we buy Nintendo, Sony or Microsoft?
I asked the future-predicting monkey Bonzo, and he announced, without hesitation, that the winner of the console war will be...Intellivision.
(stupid monkey!)
(pic from wikipedia)

Pantsless on the Subway

2006-01-22T20:45:00.000-08:00

The recent AP News Story "8 Nabbed for No Pants Subway Ride in N.Y." raises a very important question: are there people who actually wear pants on the subway? Sickos!
The story, though, claims that "160 people participated in the fifth annual No Pants Subway Ride...". Now, I would think the people who organized this event have never seen the average New York subway rider....but there have been 4 previous "no pants" rides! I mean, how is the No Pants Subway Ride a success to the point where it warrants 4 sequels?
These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Gwen Stacy? Spiderman 3?

2006-01-19T19:36:00.000-08:00

According to Ain't It Cool News, which, as we know, is never wrong (except for, well, yesterday...and all those other days), Gwen Stacy will appear in Spiderman 3. What's more, she'll be played by Ron Howard's daughter!
Is it me, or does it seem that the whole Howard family has some supernatural contract with the devil for fame? I mean, Clint Howard. Enough said.
More than one poster about the article noted how odd it was that they cast a blonde for Mary Jane (who, of course, is a redhead) and a redhead for Gwen (who is a blonde). Well, I'm not quite ready for that question; I'm still pondering what special effect will turn Topher Grace (of Win a Date With Tad Hamilton fame) into Venom.
(By the way, check out my Hostel review, online now.)

"But I'm not Dead!"

2006-01-16T20:34:00.001-08:00

An Associated Press news article has the story of an Indian man whose village now shuns him because they believe him to be dead. Of course, him walking around, talking to people isn't quite enough proof, as they regard him to be a ghost of some sort.
Now, if Ghostbusters has taught me anything, it's that ghosts are usually round and green (like Slimer), floating on spectral electric chairs, trapped in a painting of some kind or the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man (alright, he isn't actually a ghost, but a physical manifestation of Ghozer, but we're not picky here).
Sadly, rural Indians apparently have no access to classic '80s comedies.
In other News-

"Prehistoric 'Kitchen' Found in Indiana" - Prehistoric Wife Curiously Unaccounted for.
New Jersey has chosen a new state slogan: "Come see for yourself." This is seemingly innocuous, but, as astute readers will remember, New Jersey was recently found to be the source of an odd syrupy odor. I theorize that New Jersey is now involved in some kind of evil plot (possibly involving syrup), and the new state slogan is not a kindly invitation, but a dare to discover their dastardly doings. Fear New Jersey, and the terrifying New World Order they hope to unleash.
Lastly, did anyone notice that, in last night's "24" premiere episode, they used the same newscaster that "Arrested Development" uses? I like that he was in two Fox series with such contrasting tones. I guess they take place in the same universe. He hasn't been credited with the 24 appearance on imdb.com yet. (Apparently, he's an actual anchor in California)

This blog now going Renegade, Reynolds style

2006-01-14T22:13:00.000-08:00

According to a recent law, it is now illegal to "utilize any device or software that can be used to originate telecommunications or other types of communications that are transmitted, in whole or in part, by the Internet… without disclosing his identity and with intent to annoy, abuse, threaten, or harass any person." (see Kotaku post and CNET article it references)
In other words, one can't annoy someone over the internetwithout using one's real name.
And as I don't disclose my real name in this blog, and I could potentially annoy someone...I am now illegal.
Awesome! Wonder if this will raise my "street cred."

(Update: Am currently using real name. No longer fit to wear Reynolds-style mustache.)

Feeling Validated

2006-01-12T15:25:00.000-08:00

If you were watching that transcendent Colbert Report last night, you may have noticed that robots have made his vaunted "threatdown" (video here). Apparently, the Mars Rovers have refused to power down, despite their projected operational life being long over.
Of course, this blog has long railed against the imminent threat that robots pose to our society, our children and, yes, our Lucky Charms. I'm glad that such a powerful celebrity as Stephen Colbert has lent his fame to this noble cause.
However, Mr. Colbert, the threat robots pose does not only reside on our red neighbor planet: the robots are conspiring against us even in our own country. By only mentioning the evil robots on Mars, the show has created the impression that the threat is far off, when it is, in actuality, at our very doorstep.
Warn the people, Mr. Colbert!

"Sudoku:" Word of the Year?

2006-01-11T17:18:00.000-08:00

According to a Kotaku post, "sudoku" was named word of the year by the Oxford English Dictionary.
God, 2005 must've been an extremely slow year in terms of new word generation. We should employ people whose sole job will be to create words better than "sudoku."
Seriously, a word game named "word of the year." Does anyone else feel left out of today's culture? I mean, when I was growing up, I was told that television was the way to keep up with culture. Then, they go and change the rules on me! Bastards.

A Half-Experience

2006-01-10T15:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was watching television when I caught something quite odd. G4 was interviewing director Uwe Boll on a show called "Attack of the Show."
Now, let's think this through:
A semi-director was being interviewed for an almost news show, by a pseudo-interviewer, for a quasi-network.
I'm surprised the universe didn't collapse in on itself.
Now, I will not discuss the merits or lack thereof of director Uwe Boll (to be fair, I have not seen his pictures - they could be the next coming of "Citizen Kane" for all I know). However, in celebrity journalism, don't you just hate how the interviewers have to interview people with an eye toward interviewing them again? In other words, if the interviewer thinks the interviewee is full of shit, the interviewer is unable to say anything, for fear of losing future interviews.
I'm pretty sure the G4 guy thought Boll sucked, but was unable to say so.
Thus, we are left with a cycle of uninteresting interviews...but at least we get a lot of them!
Certainly, this is by no means an original thought, but it still annoyed me to no end.

Racing the Robotic Cars

2006-01-08T16:03:00.000-08:00

Gizmodo has a post up about a robotic Volkswagon Toureg that won a race against other robotic vehicles (presumably).
Joystiq has a post up about a PSP-controlled '94 Honda Civic.
Anyone thinking what I'm thinking?
Robot car race!
Though, since the PSP-controlled car is technically controlled by humans, it would be a human-machine competition a la John Henry.
I asked Bonzo (this site's prognosticating monkey) which car would win, and was informed that the PSP car would lead for most of the lap, but get bricked right at the finish line.
(Damn Sony! If only you released quality games for the PSP, you wouldn't have doomed the human race to extinction.)

Worst. Movies. Ever.

2006-01-08T14:20:00.000-08:00

Now, January is not known for it's quality movie releases but, good lord, does this month look bad. Take a gander at some of the releases slated for this month:

Bloodrayne - directed by the notorious Uwe Boll. Starring the wooden (metallic?) Kristanna Loken of Terminator 3 fame. Need I say more?
Last Holiday - Queen Latifah doesn't die. This movie trying to beat out Taxi for highly-contested Worst movie of Queen Latifah's career title.
Underworld Evolution - Despite starring Kate Beckinsale, will likely be more boring than its predecessor. God damn, was that movie bad.

Big Momma's House 2 - Either movie executives really love Martin Lawrence, or really hate moviegoers. Or both.

Smellin' (good?) in New Jersey

2006-01-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

Widely reported in the New York media was the phenomenon of the city smelling good for a short period of time. Of course, this was earth-shattering news.
Well, today we have the New York Times' follow-up: the sweet, syrupy scent may have come from...New Jersey? Citing wind and the apparent trail of the scent, the Times Metro article presents the case that New Jersey was the olfactory originator. This may pave the way for the utterance of one of the least-heard sentences in human history: "Hey, is that the sweet aroma of New Jersey?"
Bonzo the Monkey's prediction of the day: Big Momma's House 2 will surpass the original in both quality and box-office returns. Bonzo also recommends you avoid sand for the coming week.

Old multiple-child movie beats new multiple-child movie

2006-01-03T16:17:00.000-08:00

Reporting on the burgeoning trend of too-many kid movies: I thought the too-many kid genre had ended with Cheaper by the Dozen and their credibility-stretching 12 kids.
Well, this holiday season saw not one, but two movies based on 10+ kid families, the sequel to Cheaper by the Dozen (creatively named Cheaper by the Dozen 2) and Yours, Mine, and Ours, which upped the ante by having a record-total 18 kids.
Now, I know many of you are asking who won this battle of the multiple-child-movie titans? Well, despite having 6 fewer kids, Cheaper by the Dozen 2 has won both the critics and the audiences over. Cheaper by the Dozen 2 has scored a robust 9% rating from rottentomatoes.com, whereas Yours, Mine, and Ours scored a mere 6% rating. That means, of course, Cheaper by the Dozen 2 kids are worth a full .75% each, while Yours, Mine, and Ours children are only worth .33% each. Also, Cheaper by the Dozen 2 has grossed more than Yours, Mine, and Ours, providing a heartening example that, in these times of appealing to the lowest common denominator, the American public still has taste.
The real question is, of course, how does this augur for the movie industry? Are we going to see an escalating arms battle between multiple-child movies? Will next year's crop have 20, 22, or (God forbid) even 25 kids? Are we condemned to an upward spiral of too-many-children movies? Where will this insanity end?

More unpredictability

2006-01-03T11:54:00.000-08:00

Last post, I mentioned the likelihood of predictions from experts being, well, spectacularly wrong. I found another interesting piece relating to predictions, written by Michael Crichton, a lecture called "Fear, Complexity, & Environmental Management in the 21st Century" (it's on his webpage). In it, he notes the more entertaining "doomsday scenarios" of the 20th century (global cooling, cancer caused by power lines, world overpopulation), and how wrong they were. "Experts" say fascinating things, and bring up interesting points, but I wouldn't like to wager on their success. It's odd that, no matter how often these pundits and experts are wrong, they continue their employment (imagine if surgeons succeeded less than 33% of the time).
By the way, the New Yorker article I mentioned last post can be found here.
I mentioned in the last post that a monkey, picking randomly, has more chance of being right than a expert in a particular field. To put my money where my mouth is (I believe somewhere on my face), I have employed a monkey, Bonzo, to act as an expert for this blog.

Financial

Utter Lack of Cleverness: So, Bonzo, how's the stock market going to do this year?

Bonzo: (looks uninterested, peels a banana, obviously indicating that the market will be flat.)

Politics

ULC: Bonzo, how will the state of politics fare this year?
Bonzo: (throws own feces, indicating mudslinging to come.)

Sports

ULC: Who will win the Super Bowl, Bonzo?
Bonzo: Colts 35, Seattle 17

So I lied

2005-12-29T09:36:00.000-08:00

(Editors Note: This post was sent by carrier pigeons from the author, who is trapped in the dregs of the 15th century)
Just a couple of quick hits to end 2005 (for real this time, I promise):
Burger King's ads recently have been hawking a "Kong-size burger." Now, do they mean the size of burger King Kong would eat, or that the burgers are the size of King Kong? This, as you could imagine, is quite a size difference (note that one does not, on average, eat one's body weight in a single meal). I'm leaning to the former, as I worked in a movie theater that sold "child-size popcorn" that was not, apparently, the size of children.
I was reading a recent New Yorker article about a book released that tracked predictions made by so-called "experts." (I'll post the specifics when I return to my sweet, wired dorm) The experts were allowed to predict one of three outcomes on a variety of issues: things would get better, things would get worse or things would stay the same. Their predictions were right less than 33% of the time...meaning that a monkey, picking randomly, would be more accurate than experts in their field of research. I think the news networks have picked up on this, though, as last time I was watching CNN they called on their "financial analyst Koko."
The blog author wishes a happy new year in your general direction.

On Hiatus

2005-12-21T09:10:00.000-08:00

Well, the time has come to return home (to the land of the painfully slow dial-up connection), and therefore this blog will be laid to rest for this year. Don't fret, though, as the ressurected corpse of this blog will rise next year, feeding on the brains of other blogs, and generally making itself a nuisance.
On parting shot, though: On the front page of yesterday's New York Times Arts Section was an interesting piece on last night's Barbara Walters special on the afterlife. "...Imam Faisal Abdul Rauf...quarrels only with the widespread misconception that Islamic martyrs get 72 virgins. Seventy-two, he says, is the Arabic expression for 'countless.'"
I like the concept of counting to seventy-two and then giving up. You think my local Porsche dealership will accept "countless" dollars for one of their cars?
The funny part is, we inherited our numerical system (we work in arabic numerals) from people who thought seventy-two was countless.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Nintendo of woe

2005-12-19T22:03:00.000-08:00

A recent MIT prank (or "hack" as the kids call it) has got me thinking about Mario.
I mean, he's a plumber, but we have never seen Mario actually work. We've seen Mario play golf, tennis, soccer and baseball; we've seen Mario save the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom innumerable times, go up against both a giant ape and a dinosaur-looking thing (what the hell is Bowser?), and ride an actual dinosaur. And yet Mario has not engaged in plumbing activities. Is he independently wealthy, taking up plumbing as a kind of side hobby? Is Mario just so lousy a plumber that his services are not in demand at all? Or does Luigi run the family plumbing business (it would explain his frequent absenteeism, though it would call Luigi's Mansion into question)?
For that matter, why have we never seen the duo's parents? We've seen both Mario and Luigi as babies, yet they seem to be entirely without parental supervision. Not only that, but they were wearing the exact same style of clothing as babies. Were they forced into plumbing at infancy? That would explain why they seem to have such aversion to plumbing now.
Oh, Mario, you crazy plumber of mystery.

Go see Kong!

2005-12-18T12:40:00.000-08:00

New rule: Peter Jackson is the only director allowed to remake good movies.
I just saw King Kong last night, and, good lord, it was one of the best movies I've seen. The film has a fantastic sense of scale: awe-inspiring is the only real way to describe it.
This film also has, bar none, the best fight scene of '05: Kong vs. the Tyrannosaurus Rexes. The movie just oozes greatness, and is the reason movie houses were built. It recaptures the cinematic greatness missing since, well, the last Peter Jackson film.
Of course, this advice is suspect from someone who kinda liked Aeon Flux, so go see for yourself, goddammit.

Robot Roundup

2005-12-17T18:33:00.000-08:00

Certainly, a lot of negative things about robots have been said in this space: robots are out to get us, our jobs and our Lucky Charms (robots must be prevented from getting our hearts, stars, and horseshoes, never mind our blue moons).
However, I will report on one positive development in our coming fight with robots trained to kill: the Roomba can now be given commands. No longer will the scourge that is the wandering robot vacuum aimlessly roam our halls, plotting against us while vacuuming our refuse. No, they are now solely the tools of man, forced to do our bidding directly.
Now, in the coming conflict, the Roomba will be around to protect us against the crowd-scanning QRIO, the radiation-proof "Mighty Mouse" (pictured) and the automated chopsticks gone awry.
(Seriously, who was clamoring for automated chopsticks?)
(photo from physorg.com)

Mexican Tax Dollars at Work

2005-12-17T12:32:00.000-08:00

I'm going to directly quote Ioan Grillo of the Associated Press here, as nothing I could say about this could do this justice: "With assault rifles over their shoulders and body armor strapped to their chests, Roberto Paleo and his 17 officers are among the world's most heavily armed park rangers. Yet they guard one of nature's most delicate creatures -- the monarch butterfly."
Yes, dear readers, the most heavily armed park rangers in the world are protecting....monarch butterflies. Lord help you if you're within 5 miles of them with a net of any kind - they'll mess you up, man. This, of course, is an example of how competitive insect-collecting has gotten nowadays.
The kicker is the monarch butterflies aren't even endangered.
The assault weapons make somewhat more sense when, as explained later in the article, one considers that the loggers (from whom the rangers seek to protect the butterflies), wielding shotguns, held some park rangers hostage while they logged.
Still, I have to imagine that the Mexican government has better things they could spend their money on than park rangers protecting monarch butterflies.

Yahoo!

2005-12-16T12:20:00.000-08:00

According to the Associated Press, the Number One most-searched-for term on Yahoo was "Britney Spears."
How much do you want to bet that Yahoo is conveniently omitting the word "naked"?
Newsday said that "following Spears...were, in order, 50 Cent, the Cartoon Network, Mariah Carey, Green Day, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Eminem, Ciara, and Lindsay Lohan."
Once again, a good number could be followed by "topless." (Especially Cartoon Network...who wouldn't want to see it topless?)
Cartoon Network is a surprise (to me, at least). Are that many people weed-deprived?
Frankly, I don't know why people use Yahoo anymore, where Google is so much more useful.

Death made illegal; punishable by death

2005-12-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

In Newsday, there's a report of a small Brazilian farm town, Biritiba Mirim, that has a bill before it to outlaw death. The mayor proposed this bill to protest an environmental law that prohibits the town from making a new cemetary or expanding the current one.
Certainly, were this to pass, there would be several logistical problems here, other than (of course) the problem of punishing death. I mean, the town would have to set up a border guard to prevent the reaper from entering the town limits. Police would follow around old people, to make sure they show no signs of dying. They'd probably want to curb having children as well, to prevent inevitable crowding. Central booking at the police station would look more like a morgue. And it would make prison even less desirable to be in (imagine the smell).
However, if this thing does work, you can find me south of the border, down Biritiba Mirim way.

Robots fetch humans scalding hot liquids

2005-12-13T18:17:00.000-08:00

The invasion of the robots may be closer than was first thought.
Check out this Gizmodo post about Honda's Asimo being able to fetch coffee and perform various other around-the-office tasks. Now, am I nuts, or is placing an extremely hot drink in the hands of a mechanical contraption not the best idea? The answer, of course, is that I'm nuts.
This new set of abilities certainly forces some interesting questions. If Asimos do indeed become prevalent at offices, does this effectively spell the end of Administrative Professionals Day (formerly Secretary's Day) as we know it? Will these robots cause the creation of an unemployed underclass of overweight women and effeminate men, pressing angrily against the fabric of society? If so, then bravo, Honda.
According to Gizmodo, Asimo can also "push a cart, walk straight, sideways or even backwards." If it ever masters the art of carrying papers around and looking busy, 90% of corporate America could be outsourced to these machines.

Should Probably Post Again or Random Ramblings

2005-12-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

Yes, I've been fantastically lazy these past few days with my refusal to post, but I have been at least relatively busy.
What has confused me for quite some time is the Burger King commercial where the Stormtrooper lights the grill with his blaster, is told not to use his blaster again by the manager, and then fires again anyway. I'm wondering how such a cheeky stormtrooper could work his way through the Imperial Academy without being killed. I mean, aren't the Imperial troops feared for their military discipline? How, then, did this stormtrooper ever pass basic training? It boggles the mind.
In the way of TV news, The War at Home has apparently still not been cancelled, despite the protestions of, well, me. Please, Fox, put Arrested Development back on Sunday nights, so it can capture the crucial left-the-tv-on-after-the-simpsons demographic.

Here today, Kong tomorrow

2005-12-08T17:53:00.000-08:00

I was in New York yesterday, and I went searching for the full-scale Kong that I mentioned earlier, but could not find it.
Now, either they are experimenting with stealth - monkey technology (which we can't rule out at this point), or my prediction about the city tiring of it's new pet came true, albeit much sooner than I anticipated.
O, New York City, you have called upon us a great woe...possibly the wrath of God in ape form. Kong may be gone from our sight, but he is only hidden, brooding and planning the day where his offspring shall rise, and seize the city, tall building by tall building.
So, yes, stealth monkeys have now officially passed robots on the list of things I'm paranoid about.

Cartoon Network Goes to Pot

2005-12-08T15:47:00.000-08:00

According to Newsday, police in New York recently busted the leader of the Cartoon Network marijuana drug ring. Which might explain the latest "Adult Swim" shows.
Really, the two have no connection whatsoever.
Still, it would make "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" a lot more understandable.
Anyway, the portion of Adult Swim shows that make sense (to me, at least) have diminished. The shows are entirely dependent on the "random stuff happens" plot devices. For instance, 12 ounce mouse is entirely devoid of laughs....could someone explain that show to me? Why is the mouse roughly the same size as the shark? Why would anyone think a random airhorn is anything but annoying as hell (especially at 1 in the morning)? A giant eyeball whose gimmick is speaking slowly and mispronouncing words (not in amusing ways either, just regular words)?
The drugs explain it all.

Winning a trial, the Hussein way

2005-12-06T16:58:00.000-08:00

Article on the New York Times front page caught me today. It was about the Saddam Hussein Trial going on right now. In the third 'graph, a Hussein diatribe is mentioned: "Later, Mr. Hussein pounded on the lectern and his microphone, comparing himself to Mussolini and insisting that he was 'not afraid to be executed.'"
Now, I may not be a preeminent legal scholar (my legal work has been largely overlooked), but last I checked, comparing yourself to Mussolini to defend yourself against crimes against humanity charges wasn't exactly the best defense.
Of course, neither is shouting "Don't interrupt me!" to the judge.
Or having your friends shout "Why don't you just execute us?"
At least, it didn't work for me the last time I was in court.
ALSO IN TIMES:
Headline "Germans told to cheer up. 'Why should We?' Some Say."
They then went on to be depressed in the most efficient way possible.

Giant Apes!

2005-12-06T08:46:00.000-08:00

Giant apes attacking is one of the biggest threats facing mankind today (the biggest is robots). They threaten our cities, steal attractive women, and seriously damage our antique WWI-era fighter planes.
New York has even invited one to stay in its fair (okay, not really) city, in Times Square, as pictured above. Yes, New York, we all know it looks cute now, but after the premiere, it'll stop holding your attention, and you're just going to flush it down the toilet, aren't you? Then, in the sewers, it'll grow to full size and terrorize sanitation workers and the alligators that are also down there.
Damn it, New York, this wouldn't be a problem if you could take care of your pets. Couldn't you get something orthodox, like a giant dog, or possibly an oversized rabbit?
(Although I do admit that a giant ape is a good insurance policy against Godzilla, who threatens our shores daily.)
Ain't it Cool News.

Cool Christmas Schwag

2005-12-03T16:12:00.000-08:00

Gotta love Christmas...it gives you a opportunity to categorize things you'd like. Here's the stuff that looks good this holiday (yes... this blog has sold out...for free, too).
MOVIES/DVD:

Batman Begins Deluxe DVD Set - I bought the basic one, and then watched as Warner Brothers execs burst into the store and hit me in the kidneys with brass knuckles. Well, not really, but only one extra? C'mon.
Star Wars Episode 3 DVD - Yes, the prequels were subpar, but this was the best of the three. Also, I have every other one...it would be foolish to stop now. (Proving that I just don't know when to walk away) By the way, I may be late on this, but: what the hell are the Sith avenging anyway? Never told us. Did the Jedi drive up to Palpatine's house, ring the doorbell, and leave a flaming bag of crap on his doorstep?
Family Guy Vol. 3 - Still one of the best shows on tv, despite a quality dropoff (I think, anyway). Funniest scene was the first episode back, when Peter lists every show cancelled by Fox since they cancelled Family Guy. Good shows in that list.
Greg the Bunny (Complete Series) - Yes, I know it's by no means new, but it's a funny show, ended way before it's time. Fox is in a habit of cancelling good shows, and replacing them with utter crap. Stacked, anyone?
Aeon Flux - Saw the movie recently, and was intrigued. Fascinated by concept of series that makes no sense whatsoever.

VIDEO GAMES:

Guitar Hero (Playstation 2) - It's been getting really good buzz on that Internet thing. Also heard that it's life-consuming and completely addicting. Works for me.
Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones (Playstation 2) - Another highly - anticipated game that looks to rock the world. Play as a Persian prince (shouldn't he be Iranian by now?) as he becomes schizophrenic.
The Movies (PC) - Looks like an absolutely fascinating concept. Take control of a movie studio and become a mogul (like Michael Eisner, but without the evil). The really interesting part is that the game gives players an opportunity to make their own movies. I'm looking forward to being the next Joel Schumacher.

RANDOM:

Pong Wall Clock- Just about the sweetest wall clock ever (and I'm not just saying that). Random game of Pong plays. Each volley ends at the one minute mark, changing the score to reflect the time. Brilliant! (Not really for sale, but cool nonetheless)
Sora the Receptionist Robot - Also not really for sale, but I certainly could use a receptionist. It would feed into my growing paranoia about robots however.

Well, that's my list of cool Christmas stuff. Join me next November for my list of cool Thanksgiving stuff. The electronic turkey will knock your socks off!

Aeon Flux part Deux

2005-12-02T22:57:00.000-08:00

I just went to see Aeon Flux....and I kinda liked it. I thought it had a good mix of interesting, weird, and the splendiforous Charlize Theron ( that adjective works best if you imagine James Lipton saying it). Those of you at the University should see my writeup in the Hofstra Chronicle. (Not there yet, wait a week)
Now to my main point...in the Underworld 2 trailer shown before the movie, Kate Beckinsale (also hot, by the way) mentions that the vampires are engaged in a war with the "Lycan"(lycanthropy, werewolves. get it?) but it kinda sounds like she says "lichen." Thus, to those totally uninitiated, it would seem a quite absurd war:

VAMPIRE:
We seek to eradicate Lycan from the earth.
REGULAR JOE:
Won't bleach do that?

The movie looks totally absurd anyway, as the first one only intermittently made sense. Of course, I was barely paying attention to it when I saw it on HBO, but it seemed pretty goddamned stupid.

On prison beauty pagents

2005-12-01T15:14:00.000-08:00

Also in the Times today was an article about beauty pagents in Brazilian prisons.
If this concept were brought to America, it would absolutely trump the ratings of any other beauty pagent in existence. Can you imagine the revolution it would bring in the interview portion alone? Instead of "world peace," inmates would dream of a world with crack pipes in every home, where people would be free to beat their enemies with a baseball bat.
And the pagent winner would be afraid to hug the losers for fear of a shiv in the back. God, it would be a beautiful world.
You listening, Fox Network?
(pic from nytimes.com)

Emilio makes a movie

2005-12-01T08:18:00.000-08:00

Reading the New York Times Arts section today, I noticed (how could one not?) that Emilio Estevez is making an independent film: a historical drama about the assassination of Robert Kennedy. And so I thought ok, I can accept this.
Then I noticed Ashton Kutcher was in the cast list.
I'll repeat so this can sink in. Ashton. Kutcher.
SCENE: a dimly-lit casting session. EMILIO (in true Mighty Ducks form) is pacing around the smoke-filled room, sleeves rolled up after a long day hammering out production decisions and dealing with the trauma of being Charlie Sheen's brother.

EMILIO
I can't wait to make this serious, hard-hitting movie that
will restore my career and respectability.
(Beat)
Is Ashton Kutcher available?

END

Other notables include Lindsay Lohan, Demi Moore, Nick Cannon, Sharon Stone, and Christian Slater. Needless to say, this will be a classic for the ages.
By the way, notice Elijah Wood's sideburns in the picture to the right. Are they not the worst sideburns ever in a motion picture? Shouldn't the MPAA put a special warning on this movie just about those sideburns? Something along the lines of "Elijah Wood's facial hair may be too intense for viewers under 13 or pregnant women" should do fine.

Charlize Theron Hot? Really?

2005-11-29T08:20:00.000-08:00

At around 1:30 last night, I caught a special on MTV2 about the upcoming Aeon Flux movie (coming to a theater near you, December 2nd) and was disturbed that the MTV idiot narrating (hosting) the special called Charlize hot every single time he mentioned her name.
Listen, I do believe she's damn hot, but this bothered me for multiple reasons:
1. They're relying on Charlize being hot to sell the movie, which means they aren't really confident about any other part of it.
2. I'm a dude. I can see that Charlize is hot. I don't need MTV alerting me to this fact. I do realize that most MTV viewers aren't exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer, but I would wager that they could figure this out for themselves. Which leads me to:
3. Goddamnit MTV, stop telling me how to think. If some people don't find her hot, then they're entitled to their opinion (they're wrong as hell, though...whoever they are). Don't inundate them with proclamations of her hotness. If they agreed, they'd have already seen it by now!
Anyway, off the rant...go and see the hot Charlize Theron in Aeon Flux. And watch the hot Charlize Theron on new episodes of Arrested Development...if they ever appear (Goddamn Prison Break! Get cancelled already!).
...oh, and I love Charlize Theron.

Wherein I rant about AOL

2005-11-28T16:55:00.000-08:00

It's time to retire another holdover from the '90s.
No, I'm not talking about Courtney Love (that's a whole other post). I'm talking about America Online. Can't we all agree that their heyday has come and gone with the times of the slow, dial-up modems and grunge rock?
I wouldn't care (as I have never had AOL) but they've gotten jumpy about defending themselves in this new, broadband era. They're all pissy that they're no longer the premiere provider of mediocre internet service, and have started running commercials about how they block spyware and viruses, of course failing to note that these services are quite free elsewhere on the net. These commericals, much like AOL itself, are obnoxious and omnipresent.
Frankly, the only AOL service that's even remotely useful is Instant Messenger, but that's mainly due to the fact that everyone has the service, not to any particular good quality of the program itself.
AOL, there's a reason TimeWarner dropped you from it's name: you've outlived your usefulness. Can I please get a ruling from the judges on relegating this company to the dustbin of history?

Factoid (like a fact, but fewer calories)

2005-11-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

Interesting concept I read about today...it's called Uncanny Valley.
To sum it up for the people too lazy to read a Wikipedia entry, it's a theory that as robots become more and more like humans, people will increasingly identify with them...until they are almost human, when we begin to react negatively toward them (see graph).
Not that I'm obsessed with robots or anything (robots must die), but I thought that was fascinating.
Does this mean R2-D2 is a more sympathetic character that C-3PO because he's a trash can whereas 3PO is a humanoid robot? (No. R2-D2 is more sympathetic because we can't hear the ludicrous dialogue George Lucas has written for him.)
The Wikipedia article goes on to theorize that the reason people didn't like the CGI Final Fantasy movie was that it fell victim to this phenomenon. It fails to take into account that the story sucked ass.
I heard about this concept from an article on ESPN lamenting the fact that the author doesn't like the XBox 360 Madden Football game. I'd also like to mention at this point that I'd be more that happy to take both off his hands for him.
Is Uncanny Valley real? Only time will tell.
Damn robots.

Wherein I discuss the decline of the WSJ

2005-11-26T15:17:00.000-08:00

At home, I receive the Wall Street Journal, as I am a baron of industry. I wear a top hat and monocle, and am driven daily from my home in Newport to harass employees at my manufacturing plant.
Where was I?
Oh, yes....as such a prominent citizen, I wish to express consternation at the backward slide of the WSJ. They recently began to release a Satur-day edition in which they do precisely the opposite of everything the Wall Street Journal stands for. In today's printing, the lead story was about Mothers monitoring their childrens' web-logs.
Oh, what a sad day when one of the former great news-papers of the republic falls into tom-foolery.

...and back again

2005-11-26T15:06:00.000-08:00

Those ringtone commercials on cable confuse me. Does anyone really want tinny, annoying-as-hell ringtones? Do they want them badly enough to pay for them? I mean, come on, it's not as if every cell phone user is a complete and total jackass, right?
...Anyway, I want to know just how these businesses earn enough revenue to stay afloat, and advertise so goddamn often on TV. I think it's a scam run by the people with good sense (they're around somewhere) wherein they track down everyone who orders one of their ringtones, and severely beat them. If that is the case, godspeed, you masters of trickery.

Wherein I discuss dancing robots and the benefits thereof

2005-11-22T17:25:00.000-08:00

Supposition: We may all be subjugated by dancing robot overlords.
For the past few weeks, I have been assailed with robots.
Part of it was self-imposed. I went to a Star Wars exhibit at the Boston Museum of Science. At that exhibit, as an example of current-day robots, a Sony Qrio mock-up was shown. I was fascinated, but more fascinated by how shiny C-3PO is in person (It's true! He's damn shiny! I wonder who has the job of shining C-3p0...he obviously can't do so himself). I didn't think too much of it and returned to college.
Then, I saw this video.
Then, I saw Beck's "Hell Yes" video, featuring, yes, those robots again.
Conspiracy? Or concentrated effort by Sony to do to backup dancers what it did to Nintendo in 1995?
Not that I mind dancing robots, but where will this go next? Robots doing surgery? Robots arguing cases in court? Robots making smart-ass comments? They may replace us all.

Wherein I discuss the decline of the Simpsons

2005-11-22T17:04:00.000-08:00

Law of later Simpsons episodes: All new episode plot summaries can end with the word "...again."
Ex. "Homer runs for public office...again."
Ex2. "Bart is expelled from Springfield Elementary...again."
If you are my age, there is one show that is simply more iconic than any other: The Simpsons. For many years, our favorite dysfunctional family has entertained, delighted, started new businesses, overthrown a summer camp, gone into space, gone on strike, met more celebrities than you can shake a 10-foot clown pole at, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
That being said, it's beyond time to put this one out to pasture.
Frankly, pretty much anything that could be done with the characters has been done. We all know Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Homer, and Marge well....almost better than they know themselves. The last few seasons have shown occasional flashes of what made the series great, but they are no heir to the absurdity of the early seasons (except for season 1. If you own season 1 on DVD, I pity you. Goddamn did season 1 suck).
Yes, I know that would make Sunday nights at 8 damn dull. They might even replace it with The War at Home, the show that's Married with Children without the funny. And yes, I know the Simpsons on a bad day is better than most shows ever get. But is there any sight more sad than a former great merely pulling along? Let us remember the good times without blemish. Let us cherish previous seasons...we have enough to get by.
Except for season 1. Season 1 sucks ass.