A Modest Proposal (apologies to Jonathan Swift)
It is a melancholy object to those who wander drunkenly through the streets of our fair country on February 14th, to see the ravaging effects that Valentine's Day inflicts on the general populace. It enrichens greeting card companies and the candy-industry barons, while depleting the vital beer-money stores of people across the nation.
This problem is only likely to get worse: increasing expectations yield ever-higher standards for giving, an unsustainable arms race of Valentining. This problem is especially hard-felt in the poorer segments of the population, those who can least afford it.
I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
We may find the salvation of this holiday from another saint: Saint Patrick. His holiday engenders naught but the highest praise; it is a beacon to which all lesser holidays flock.
I therefore propose we eliminate Valentine's Day, and replace it with Saint Patrick's Day, thus splitting Saint Patrick's day in twain (like Kill Bill, but without Uma Thurman killing everyone).
I believe the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
First, I believe this would restore the beer money of the nation to its rightful purpose: the procurement of alcohol.
Secondly, this would not take away from the primary benefit of Valentine's Day: the expression of love (or lust, at least). On the contrary, it is often that alcohol prompts the highest proclamations of love (including the "I love you guys" pledge, the screaming of one's name from outside of their apartment, and other such acts of devotion).
Thirdly, the act of gift-giving would be improved tenfold: alcoholic beverages are the best gift of all.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country. I have no brewery by which to hope to profit from this proposal, and my own beer stores are pitifully low.
(PS: It's a wonder I'm still single.)
(PPS: Uma Thurman killing people would make a terrific holiday.)