Meanwhile, in the Grammar Crisis room....

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

It's Oscar-rific

We all know the Academy Awards on Sunday were more boring than reading tax-appropriations bills while on a long train ride. Jon Stewart was doing the best he could, but the crowd reacted like it was soaked in Valium. And then there were the montages: the salute to epics, the salute to film noir, the salute to montages, the salute to salutes. Basically, Hollywood was shown to be self-obsessed and self-congratulatory. The fact that it really is self-obsessed and self-congratulatory is irrelevant; when I turn on my TV, I want entertainment, darn it.
Therefore, as I am nothing if not gracious, I freely offer my sure-fire tips to make the Oscars interesting.
  1. As the winner gives an acceptance speech, show the worst movie that winner has ever been involved in. So, for Jake Gyllenhaal, show The Day After Tomorrow. For Ang Lee, show Hulk. For Clooney, show Batman and Robin. This will have the twofold effect of keeping the speeches short (as no one wants their worst work on national TV) and giving the winners a good dose of humility.
  2. On the same token, give a running commentary on which actor/actress/director/etc. is most likely to fade into obscurity or release a horrible, horrible movie next year. I want to know who'll make the next Catwoman. Who will pull the next Halle Berry?
  3. Have the two old guys from the Muppets who sat in the balcony and made bad puns while heckling people. That one's pretty self-explanatory.
  4. The running commentary mentioned earlier should be done by John Madden, for reasons of shear hilarity. Whether he's drawing out a really obvious point, or talking over one of the presenters, his contributions will be evident.
  5. 2-hour time limit. If Jack Bauer can end a hostage situation in 3 hours, why the hell can't we find out who the best ass-kissers are in 4?
  6. Executive override. If one of the presenters doesn't like the winner, he/she can just change it. Internet conspiracy theorists suggest Nicholson did it this year. If so, it just makes Jack that much cooler. Ask yourself: who the hell would notice? Or care? Just changing from one elite to another.
About the 36 Mafia winning an Oscar for "It's hard out there for a Pimp": Why? We've known for years that pimpin' ain't easy, but the song forgot to mention that it sure is fun. That alone should have precluded it from consideration.


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