Meanwhile, in the Grammar Crisis room....

Monday, February 27, 2006

Bad Sci-Fi Movies

I think I have a problem: I can't resist bad science fiction movies.
For example, I have recently come to the conclusion that I will likely go see the upcoming Ultraviolet. The thing is, I am absolutely sure that movie will be bad. Not just bad, but excruciating.
So why am I going to see it? I don't really know. I could blame it on wanting to see Milla Jovovich. But it cannot be that alone; I wouldn't see a romantic comedy with her in it. Thus, I am led inexorably to the conclusion that I have no resistance to bad sci-fi.
  • Is it bad to want to get drunk on a Monday?
  • 24! 24 24 24. 24 24, 24 24 24 24!
  • Why do series-ending episodes always suck? (I'm looking in your direction, Seinfeld)

Friday, February 24, 2006

Season of St. Patty?

Recently, a Guinness commercial referred to St. Patrick's day season. I know Guinness wants St. Patrick's day to be an actual holiday, but isn't that a bit much? Is it kosher to attribute a season to a holiday that doesn't even warrant a day off from work/school?
However, there is an even more pressing question: do we even want a St. Patty's day season? Yes, this sounds silly from someone who recently advocated the creation of a second St. Patrick's Day, but a season would be overdoing it. I mean, a season connotes all that holiday bullsh*t, like buying presents, singing carols, decorating the house and meeting with obnoxious relatives. Do we really want to taint St. Patrick's day with such concepts as responsibility?
(Hell no!)

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Fuck you, Jimmy Fallon

So I was at the movies recently, and I see this soda commercial...with Jimmy Fucking Fallon! You know, the man who was utterly incapable of completing a Saturday Night Live sketch without looking at the camera and giggling like he was spouting the most witty comments in the history of sketch comedy. Never mind that he presided over some of the worst sketches ever put on air, he just loved to hear himself deliver punchlines.
Then, of course, he decided to move on to movies, and released two goddamn horrible movies, even in this era of horrible movies. There is really no reason to see either Fever Pitch or Taxi. Fever Pitch, of course, cast Yankee fan Fallon as a Red Sox fan. Because there are no famous Red Sox fans out there, certainly none who can giggle at the camera quite as well as he can. Hell, Michael Chiklis could pull off a comedic role better than Fallon.
My point is, I thought he exhausted his 15 minutes of fame. I was goddamn praying he exhausted his 15 minutes of fame.
But he's now in a commercial with Parker Posey (who actually has talent). So I am forced to deal with two conflicting forces: the part of me that wants to watch Parker Posey against the part of me that despises Jimmy Fallon.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Pretty Damn Funny

This is, by far, the funniest thing I've seen thus far this year.
...And that's it. Shortest. Post. Ever.

Protect yourself from Robots: the book

As you know if you've read this blog, robots are coming to kill us in the near future.
Now, one man, Daniel Wilson, has written the definitive guide to protecting oneself from these circuited creatures, these mechanical monsters, these...electrical evils.
In the New York Times mentioned above, Wilson says, "If history has taught us anything, it is that someday mankind must face and destroy the growing robot menace."
Pay heed to his words! After the coming conflict, I hope that one day my armed compound in Montana may contact his armed compound in Montana by way of carrier-pigeon.
Other things:
  • Karma turns: So I couldn't copy-edit at me school newspaper, the Chronicle, because of a class obligation. Can you guess what I did at my internship today?
  • Bureaucracy rears it's ugly head: Overheard at my class obligation (a lecture): "And now, I'm proud to introduce the man who's going to introduce our speaker tonight."

Saturday, February 11, 2006

A Modest Proposal (apologies to Jonathan Swift)

It is a melancholy object to those who wander drunkenly through the streets of our fair country on February 14th, to see the ravaging effects that Valentine's Day inflicts on the general populace. It enrichens greeting card companies and the candy-industry barons, while depleting the vital beer-money stores of people across the nation.
This problem is only likely to get worse: increasing expectations yield ever-higher standards for giving, an unsustainable arms race of Valentining. This problem is especially hard-felt in the poorer segments of the population, those who can least afford it.
I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
We may find the salvation of this holiday from another saint: Saint Patrick. His holiday engenders naught but the highest praise; it is a beacon to which all lesser holidays flock.
I therefore propose we eliminate Valentine's Day, and replace it with Saint Patrick's Day, thus splitting Saint Patrick's day in twain (like Kill Bill, but without Uma Thurman killing everyone).
I believe the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
First, I believe this would restore the beer money of the nation to its rightful purpose: the procurement of alcohol.
Secondly, this would not take away from the primary benefit of Valentine's Day: the expression of love (or lust, at least). On the contrary, it is often that alcohol prompts the highest proclamations of love (including the "I love you guys" pledge, the screaming of one's name from outside of their apartment, and other such acts of devotion).
Thirdly, the act of gift-giving would be improved tenfold: alcoholic beverages are the best gift of all.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country. I have no brewery by which to hope to profit from this proposal, and my own beer stores are pitifully low.
The End
(PS: It's a wonder I'm still single.)
(PPS: Uma Thurman killing people would make a terrific holiday.)

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

43rd post spectacular!

Random thoughts:
  • Doldrums of the year. I officially nominate February as "worst month of the year." Honestly, does February have one redeeming factor? A greeting-card holiday, a cop-out known as "President's Day" and a rodent divining the weather do not a good month make. That's probably why Davy Jones, the Harlem Globetrotters and the Scooby Doo gang went back in time to make February the shortest month of the year.
  • Awards shows. Tonight, as you may or may not know, sees the 48th annual Grammy awards. Who watches awards shows? They're always overlong, self-congratulatory television programs that drain the soul. Why do such quaint notions as what a limited number of no-name judges think matter in today's world?
  • Why, in Back to the Future Part 3, don't they just siphon the gas from the DeLorean in the mineshaft? There are, after all, two time machines in the 1800s: the one that sent Doc back, and the one that sent Marty back. One had gas, one didn't. Guess the Doc wasn't thinking 4th-dimensionally.
  • Whatever happened to Doctor Mario? Do his loose ways with pills gibe with today's cost-conscious HMOs?
  • Gotta love that Hofstra is giving the Netherlands complex to freshman (of course, after they've made the improvements that should've been made my freshman year). If I weren't graduating, this would piss me off royally.
  • From the second-hand news department: According to the Mocknicle, former Chronicle editor Taylor Long has launched her own blog, t-sides. Salutations to Ms. Long, and her bloggery.
The preceding (and thoughts like them) are what kept me out of the really good schools.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Super Bowl Wrapup

Well, that was one of the least memorable Super Bowls in recent memory. As per usual, the ads were more interesting than the game, though none of this year's ads seem to have passed the remember-it-after-the-hangover test.
My dormmate was particularly incensed by one Ameriquest Super Bowl commercial (can be found here) , as he notes that a fly could not be killed in this manner. Of course, the commercial where a green frog puppet kayaks (and another that shows cavemen and dinosaurs as existing at the same time) went by unremarked-upon (save the lamentations of a decline in voice acting).
I would like to point out that this blog's primate of predictions correctly mentioned that the Seahawks would lose the Super Bowl. He just got the score and the opposing team wrong. He was, in turn, given a cigar, though this gesture was more because it's funny to see monkeys smoke than for any other reason.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Seriously, This Robot is Scary

Now, I know I may seem a little paranoid about the whole "robots are trying to kill us" thing, but take a look at the robot pictured below this post.
Go ahead, I'll wait...
Back? Good. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? Seriously, is there any way in hell that the robot below is not unthinkably evil?
According to this Gizmodo post, it's a Japanese robot, named "Enryu," which means "rescue dragon." It's supposed to be for highway rescues in bad conditions. Sure, it sounds nice, but it's only a matter of time before it gains sentience. From there, it's a small step starts stalking us along the roads, ripping humans apart with those goddamn claws (that can pick up 1102 pounds each, by the way).
Not to start a panic or anything, but it might be a good time to stockpile food in your compound in Montana.